I thought I would share a picture of Gavin’s urn. I absolutely love it. We chose the green marble because his birthstone is emerald. Right now his urn is on our kitchen counter. I am not really sure where to put him. I might have hubby install a shelf in our bedroom or TV room (the rooms we use the most) - Just not really sure. I should be picking out baby furniture not deciding the best place for an urn. This is all still so surreal.



The top says:  Until we meet again, may God hold you in the palm of His hand.

 

We managed to survive Father’s Day. I think it was harder on Hubby than he thought it was going to be. I was sad for him and for the fact that I feel like I failed him.

We shared Gavin’s photos with our families on Father’s Day. I think they appreciated seeing them. I need to talk about Gavin and what happened but I think people are scared to ask me any questions. So thanks to all of you for letting me talk and for listening.


~We are heading out of town up to the mountains for the weekend. It will be a nice break from real life (and the 111 degree heat). I am actually looking forward to it.

Pregnancy and Infant Loss (PAIL) Blog Directory

I am not looking forward to Fathers Day this weekend. I love my dad and want to celebrate him but it will be a tough reminder. I am the youngest of four children and each of my sisters/brother has four kids. Yes – they are all super fertile…I am the only IF one. They better not say anything stupid to hubby. We don’t mind talking about Gavin or what happened, it will just be a sad day and we don’t need all the extra comments. This will be the first time I have seen my nieces and nephews so they might have some questions. I hope their parents prep them on what’s appropriate.


Also, this Friday is the fourth anniversary of hubby’s moms passing and Sunday is the anniversary of my first MC (10 weeks) two years ago. Not a great weekend for us.




On another note please go check this out if you have ever experienced loss along this journey. It’s a new directory to find support of others going through the same thing.

Pregnancy and Infant Loss (PAIL) Blog Directory is now live.

Visit the PAIL Blog Directory here; submit to have your blog added. Please blog about the directory to spread the word if you have any suggestions about how the directory could be better please let me know. This is a way that the creator has found to use her loss of Emily Faith to positively impact other families who have also suffered a loss.

Thank you all for your support.

Follow up

I had my follow up OB visit last week. My OB had all my records transferred to their office from my RE’s. She reviewed them to see if there was any additional testing we should do because while I was in the hospital they mentioned the placental abruption could have been due to a blood clotting disorder. I was pretty sure that my RE tested for everything under the sun last summer but I couldn’t remember what exactly. It turns out that I have been tested for all the normal stuff they test for after a 2nd trimester loss and I don’t have any disorders…just bad luck and probably an incompetent cervix.


My OB said that I can start trying again in three to four months (or when we are emotionally ready). The perinatologist in the hospital said to wait a year. I am thinking of splitting it and starting back up at the RE in about six months. It’s hard to think about TTC right now since I am still in such a raw place but being the planner that I am, I need to think about our future also. Since we have four frosties waiting for us I will call and see what I need to do for a November/December FET. I am sure they will need to do some blood work and probably another semen analysis since all their tests are only good for a year. I will talk to the RE and perinatologist about how many embryos to transfer. I think one at a time is probably good. The potential of twins when I might have an incompetent cervix is probably not a good idea. I am wondering how the RE freezes embryos. I have a feeling that the freeze two together so I can’t just defrost one of them.

Health wise I am doing much better. No more bleeding or night sweats. I have started back to the gym and I was actually a little surprised I didn’t keel over! I will hit up a couple classes this week. I need to get back into my normal clothes so I have some cute stuff to wear to work.

Emotionally I am also doing better. I only cry when I have a reason to cry. When Gavin’s urn was delivered the other day and I cried when I saw it. I am sure I will cry when we transfer his ashes to it tonight. (I will post some photos of it later). I can now look at his photos and talk about him without a meltdown. However, I do cry when my husband says sweet things to me about being a mom.

Thanks for all your sweet comments on our pictures of Gavin.

WARNING - Photos of Gavin included

I am thankful for the Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep photography organization.  For those of you who don’t know its professional photographers that are willing to donate their time and services to helping families who are experiencing the loss of an infant.  They did a wonderful job taking professional photos of Gavin and I thought I would share a few. 

It was hard to look at these pictures when they came in the mail but I really think it helps with the healing process.  I will cherish these pictures forever!  I won't share the photos with anyone IRL unless they ask to see them.  I hope you don't mind that I shared these with you. 

Back to work

I’m back to work and it was not as bad as I thought it would be. I put myself into a bit of a panic on Monday because I was so worried what people would say to me. Most everyone handled things appropriately. I got lots of hugs and pity looks (You know the look people give when they cock their head to the side, raise one eyebrow, give you puppy dog eyes and say you poor thing). It’s just the worst and it makes me cry every time. I hate the pity look. There was the one guy (there always is) who was in my office first thing and he said he was sorry for our loss which was fine but then he proceeded to ask when we were going to start trying again. Ok first of all, this is the creepy older guy in the office and second of all, why does he want to know about my personal life. Like I want him picturing us doing the deed to get pregnant. No one at work has any idea that we are IF but I don’t want him even thinking that kind of stuff about me. Yuck. (Insert body shudder here)



I do feel a little bit guilty because at work I am so busy that I don’t really have time to be sad. I haven’t had a good cry in two days. I get teary eyed talking to people but I am able to keep it together.

I'm just mad

Why does everyone keep telling me that I am doing so great and that I am so strong? They talk to / see me for maybe an hour and they seem amazed that I can hold it together and not burst into tears while they are here. What they don't see me crying myself to sleep every night or hear me crying in the shower every morning. They don't get how hard it was to pick out an urn or pick up Gavin's ashes. They have no idea how I am freaking out inside about returning to work. They think they know whats going on just because they ask and all I can muster is an “I'm fine”. In my world, fine is not good. I know I can never explain how I really feel to them so that they understand and I guess I really hope no one truly gets it because that would mean they had to experience what I went through. I don't know...I guess I am in the mad phase right now.




I had a nice freak out the other night – I started to looking into planning a tropical getaway so we could be on vacation during Gavin's original due date in October and snapped - I realized that I don't want a F'n consolation prize of a vacation...I just want my baby. I guess that is just too much to ask.



Health wise I am getting much better. I am actually sore from doing housework yesterday. I guess I have a ways to go before I can go back to the gym. My Body Combat class would probably kick my a$$ right now.



I am also mad at Blogger. It won't let me comment on anyone's blogs right now.



I will post later this week when I am in a better mood.



We dropped off Sprinkles Cupcakes to the Nurses at the hospital last night.  It was good for me to go back there.  We saw two of the nurses that took care of me and it was nice seeing them again. 

I hope everyone is enjoying their Memorial Day!