Stop with the encouraging words people...

When I tell people IRL that I am going back to the RE they keep giving me stupid encouraging statements. Such as “I’m glad you are not giving up – the whole Gavin thing is a fluke and you will be fine” – really? – how the F#*% do you know my next pregnancy (if I am lucky enough to have a next one) will be fine? Are you SURE that a placental abruption and/or an incompetent cervix will not happen again? They also tell me that at least I know what signs to look for next time and at least the doctors will be monitoring me closely. If I have signs of either again it’s going to suck and it might not matter how closely they monitor me. I could still have major problems.

I kind of wish people would just keep their mouths shut, back off a bit and let me be worried about what’s going to happen next. Nothing they say will ease my fears. I think they just say what they need to hear.

I am meeting with the Perinatologist in a week. I will have to tell my story yet again and hope they give me the green light to start back up with FETs. I am not sure if they will have any testing for me to do or want to check any hormone levels.

I used to walk around the RE’s office like I owned the place. I knew every doctor, nurse and tech. This last appointment was different. I have not been in the RE’s office since I “graduated” last March and it felt like a foreign land to me. The receptionist was new and so was the tech that took me back. I didn’t even get to see my favorite nurse. After waiting for 45 min (yes – our RE is always running behind) we were finally greeted by my RE. He is wonderful and spends quality time with his patents…I guess that is why he is always running behind. He introduced us to a new doctor or maybe she was an intern and asked if we would mind if she sat in on our meeting. I know that we are an interesting case so it’s probably a good one for her to learn on. We told Gavin’s story and I made it through the appointment without actually crying. The RE took notes and asked a lot of questions. He was a little disappointed that we didn’t do the extra testing on Gavin and the placenta. While we were in the hospital the perinatologist said that additional testing probably wouldn’t give us any answers and recommended we not spend the money to do it. Now I wish we did. Anyways…


Our RE wants to redo the sonogram just to give my uterus the all clear. I will call on my next CD1 (two weeks) to get that scheduled. He also wants me to make an appointment with the Perinatologist to get approval from him to proceed with the FET. Now if you remember the Peri at the hospital suggested for us to wait a whole year before TTC and our OB suggested 3 months. We decided to split the difference and start up in November which will give my body 6 months to heal. I almost cried when my RE suggested this…my eyes filled with tears and hubby looked at me and told me to take a deep breath and calmed me down. He said that we can decide our treatment timeline -since everyone tells us different things anyways. I just don’t think I can wait another 6 months.

So here I am, needing to make another doctors appointment hoping that we can get started soon. I am getting a little sick of telling my story. I have bits and pieces of my medical records in four different locations. I need a big binder with it all to carry around because I can’t remember all this shit.

Oh – we talked to the RE regarding transferring one embryo at a time. He thinks that’s a good idea because of the whole incompetent cervix thing. The only issue is that they freeze embryos in pairs. This sucks – I have four frozen embryos that are chillen with their buddies. He said it shouldn’t be an issue to unfreeze a pair then transfer one and then refreeze the other. That sounds like a process where a whole lot of stuff can go wrong to me. I guess I can’t dwell on what’s been done. You would think that I am not the only person in the world that only wants to transfer one embryo – I wonder why they do that.

Back in the Saddle Again

I called the RE two weeks ago on my CD1 just to see what testing they were going to make me do again if we want to proceed with a FET in November. I assume they will want to do some blood work and I am hoping that I will not need another HSG. They called back and said that the first step was to meet with the RE…so…


I have an appointment with my RE tomorrow and I have such mixed emotions. I can’t believe I have to go back after they made such a big deal about me graduating from there back in March. I am nervous and have butterflies…a little part of me is excited with the thought of trying again and the other part is terrified. All the what ifs are running through my head and it keeps bringing tears to my eyes. I thought the next time I would be in his office I would be one of the annoying moms dragging her screaming two year old in (annoying all the other IFers) to do a FET for our second kid. Now I will be in his office having to tell him Gavin’s story through tears trying to keep it together long enough to hear his thoughts on everything. I will let you know how it goes!

It’s been three months since Gavin was born.  Some days it seems like we lost him just yesterday and other days it seems like it was a life time ago.  I miss him so much and days like today my heart hurts. 

The innocent questions of a little boy

Hubby and I were in the car with my 6 year old nephew Jake on Saturday and out of the blue he asked why our baby Gavin died.  I was a little taken aback by the question but I managed to answer “because he was born too early and he was just too small to live.”  Jake then asked if he was buried in the ground and if he went to heaven.  I didn’t know how to explain the concept of cremation so I said “yes he is buried and up in heaven.”  Jake seemed satisfied with our answers then proceeded to tell us that he has a friend named Gavin but he’s not dead – which actually made us laugh.  It’s funny how kids process things. 

Vacations

Whoo Hoo - It’s finalized – we will spend Gavin’s due date in NYC! We are so excited to spend a week there. Hubby has never been to NYC and I was little last time I was there. We are going for 8 nights and have a long list of things to do and see! It’s been helpful to have something to plan and to look forward to. It keeps my mind from wondering too far.

I know that October is going to be a hard month for me so going on vacation will be a good excuse to get out of most everything that month. I already had a friend tell me to save the first weekend in October for her baby shower. Really…she is not due until mid January so I was surprised her shower is in October. I am going to have to decline. I would probably go if it was during any other month…just not two weeks before Gavin’s due date. I hope she understands. I just had to hide her on FB…her pregnancy posts were just too much to handle.

This weekend we are having a staycation with the family at a local resort! I am really looking forward to it. The resort has a wave pool, water slides, swim up bar, and a lazy river! I plan on getting a nice tan and spending some quality time with my parents, sisters/brother and all my nieces and nephews! Now I just need to find a swim suit that fits me!