Thursday, October 28, 2010

AF Screws me Again

As I sit here waiting for AF to show up I am fuming.  I am not fuming because I have all the signs she is on her way so I know there is no miracle baby for us this month.  I am fuming because this cycle was 32 days long not the normal 28.  Sounds like no big deal but now this bumps my next visit from AF into my Rome trip.  I had it all calculated out using a 28/29 day cycle when we planned the trip a couple months ago and now AF has screwed me again.  This totally blows and there is nothing I can do about it.  I know it’s not the end of the world but it annoys me that AF is going to screw up the one fun thing I have planned while we are on a break.  I was hoping not to think about IF at all on my trip but now I will have to deal with this. 
I guess I need to look on the bright side – only four more weeks until my trip.

Thursday, October 21, 2010

October ICLW!

Happy ICLW to everyone! This is the first time I have participated in this so I am excited. Let me tell you a little about our IF story…

My DH and I have been TTC for four + years now. We are both 34 going on 35 (way too quickly I might add). The first year was spent not really tracking anything – we were just seeing what happens and having fun doing it. Well, nothing happened! We have been tested and my DH has low morphology. I tested fine. We have been through 10 IUI’s. The 7th time was a charm and it worked but I miscarried at 10 weeks in June 09 – we were devastated. My body took a couple months getting back to normal then we started again. We tried a couple more IUI’s and I got a BFP in December 09. At my six week US there was nothing there - another miscarriage. This one was a little easier to handle since it was at six weeks instead of ten. We had to wait for my body and hormones to level out then we started IVF #1 in April 10. I did the standard three weeks of BCP then on to the meds. I responded fairly well and ended up with 14 eggs retrieved, 11 mature, and four perfect day 5 embies. They transferred two AAA embies but I got a BFN. We did an FET in May 10 and transferred our only two frostbabies and got another BFN. Back to the drawing board once again. Over the summer our RE tested us for everything under the sun and everything came back normal. We are on hold right now waiting for the first of the year so my insurance kicks back in to cover part of the next IVF. We are giving it one more shot then we will be on our way to D.I.N.K.s…Dual Income, No Kids. It’s now a scary thought…what if these treatments don’t work. I am not sure how to comprehend that yet. I am going to focus on IVF#2 and not think of what might be if we get another BFN.

During this holding pattern I have been keeping myself busy by planning a trip to Rome in late November! I am so excited and thankful to have something to keep my mind off of treatments for a little bit.

Thanks for visiting and leaving a comment. If you are also starting IVF soon let me know so I can follow your story!

Monday, October 18, 2010

Coming out of the IF Closet

I think I came out of the IF closet on FB on Friday…it felt freeing…until I read the comments left by friends.

I posted this…

“October 15th is pregnancy & infant loss remembrance day. Today we remember all the babies born sleeping, the ones we carried but never had the chance to meet, the precious babies we have held but didn't take home, or the one's that came home but never stayed long. Make this your status if you or someone you love has suffered the loss of a baby. Light a Candle @ 7pm to honor all lost babies.”

Which is no big deal but then people started commenting on my post. One friend said “thinking of you” another said “Love you sister” and a third posted “Love you too…wish we could have met your baby”. WTF – she really just say that on FB? I get that she doesn’t have a clue and is trying to be nice but really…I wish I could have met the two babies I miscarried but I wouldn’t post that on FB. I was very proud of myself for posting that message. I have always been pretty private about my IF story and it felt good sharing that with everyone…the last comment however me the whole thing a bit weird.

Monday, October 11, 2010

An Offer

So we had a great weekend or I should say a great Saturday night. I was a ragging bitch on Friday night and totally ruined our time out. We went to the fancy new casino with hubby’s boss and a couple people from his work. I was in a bad mood from the start and hubby and I were at each other’s throats all night. I would actually like to forget it even happened. I am not usually that moody of a person. I am actually a bit surprised at my behavior. Enough about that…

Saturday we went to my BFF’s son’s first birthday party. I was kind of dreading it because it just reminds me that we were both pregnant last summer together and now a year later she has an adorable baby. When I say adorable I mean adorable…she got lucky – he is the happiest most laid back baby ever. I was also dreading it because her S-in-L is pregnant and due next week. I think my worry about the party is partly why I was such a mental case Friday night. I actually had a great time at the party. I enjoyed the kids there and even enjoyed talking to my pregnant friend. It was good to see everyone. I sometimes separate myself from my friends for self preservation – thinking I am doing the best thing for me but then I see everyone and realize that my friends are also good for me.

After the party we met up with other friends to celebrate two of their birthdays. It was a great dinner catching up with everyone and lots of laughter. We only stayed at dinner until 9:30 or so. Our friend T had to work the next day so we dropped him off and then hubby, myself and A (T’s girlfriend) swung by my BFF’s brothers house. He was having friends over to celebrate his birthday. (I guess October is Birthday month). There we proceeded to have a great time and probably one too many cocktails. My BFF at one point told me she would be my surrogate if I needed her. It was a really generous offer and I actually think she is sincere. She talked to my hubby about it for a while and was crying while she offered. When she told me I kind of laughed it off and said that our issue wasn’t that and we don’t need one. I was not in the right frame of mind and kind of blew her off. I feel bad about that now. I think I will send her an email today with an apology. We got home and to bed around 3 (I think) so Sunday was kind of a wasted day.

Thanks to everyone for their shopping hints on my last post! I have a friend at work taking me shopping at lunch today! Hopefully it helps! I am also planning on shopping in Rome! T- 45 days till Rome!

Friday, October 8, 2010

I need a personal shopper!

Its official…I am not trendy and really suck at shopping. I have been out looking for some cute winter clothes for our Rome trip and I am not having any luck at all. It could be because AZ winter clothes consist of paper thin sweaters and leggings or that I just have no style and really want to be comfortable on our trip. I want to be comfy and cute – is that an option? My hubby has bought a couple things for the trip and he is going to look total GQ and sexy when we go out…I will be the one in the sweatshirt on his arm. I swear that the stores I was in at the mall today had more tank tops than long sleeve shirts. I guess I need to layer my clothes. I am also annoyed that I need to wear flats on the trip. Most all my pants are long and require heals. I guess I have to get a couple pairs of pants hemmed before we go.

Sorry for the rant…I think part of it comes from the extra weight that I have gained while TTC. I am unhappy with my body right now…that makes it even harder to shop. I will shut up now…at least I get to go on a vacation soon! I am a lucky girl!

Monday, October 4, 2010

Celebrities Opening up...

Giuliana and Bill Rancic are openly discussing their infertility. Check out the show on the MyStyle network. I am happy that celebrities are opening up with their struggle. I hope I get this channel. I will have to check tonight.

The Rancic's

I have been extremely busy at work (when I am not googling what to do in Rome). I was in OR for a conference for most of last week and work seemed to pile up while I was gone. While I was in OR Aunt Flo came for her nasty visit. I guess no miracle baby for us this month. AF was a day late so I was really hoping to beat the odds and get pregnant on my own. I know there is no chance of that happening but I can’t help to have a little hope when AF is late. IFV#2 is still planned for 2011. I have been thinking of when I should call my RE and get on their schedule. I think I will call my next CD1 which should be the end of October. That way they can figure out when to start BCP so I can start meds ASAP in 2011.


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