Monday, May 30, 2011

I'm just mad

Why does everyone keep telling me that I am doing so great and that I am so strong? They talk to / see me for maybe an hour and they seem amazed that I can hold it together and not burst into tears while they are here. What they don't see me crying myself to sleep every night or hear me crying in the shower every morning. They don't get how hard it was to pick out an urn or pick up Gavin's ashes. They have no idea how I am freaking out inside about returning to work. They think they know whats going on just because they ask and all I can muster is an “I'm fine”. In my world, fine is not good. I know I can never explain how I really feel to them so that they understand and I guess I really hope no one truly gets it because that would mean they had to experience what I went through. I don't know...I guess I am in the mad phase right now.

I had a nice freak out the other night – I started to looking into planning a tropical getaway so we could be on vacation during Gavin's original due date in October and snapped - I realized that I don't want a F'n consolation prize of a vacation...I just want my baby. I guess that is just too much to ask.

Health wise I am getting much better. I am actually sore from doing housework yesterday. I guess I have a ways to go before I can go back to the gym. My Body Combat class would probably kick my a$$ right now.

I am also mad at Blogger. It won't let me comment on anyone's blogs right now.

I will post later this week when I am in a better mood.

We dropped off Sprinkles Cupcakes to the Nurses at the hospital last night.  It was good for me to go back there.  We saw two of the nurses that took care of me and it was nice seeing them again. 

I hope everyone is enjoying their Memorial Day!

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Random thoughts and lessons learned

  • I always knew that I have an amazing husband but going through something like this just confirms that I was right. He was by my side 100% and took the best care of me. People always say that stuff like this can tear a marriage apart but I disagree. I think it brought us even closer together.

  • I now know that we make perfect beautiful babies.

  • I saw how much my hubby wants to be a father and how great he will be.

  • We have an amazing support system – locally and online. Family and friends were checking on us daily. Blog friends were extremely supportive. In the hospital I kept telling my hubby that I need to post a blog about what was going on but I was unable to get online.

  • I am stronger than I thought. I was put through the ringer physically and mentally and I know that I will be OK (someday).

  • I love Gavin more than life, even though I only met him for a short time.

  • People at mortuary's are a little bit creepy.

  • We are having Gavin cremated on Thursday and need to pick an urn.

  • We are going on Vacation in October so we can be somewhere tropical to remember Gavin's original due date.

  • I am having trouble reading and commenting on other blogs right now. I hope this doesn't last too long.

  • I am scared to go back to work after a month off. I don't want them all to see me cry. I am going back after the holiday next week.

  • I am ready to start working out to get my body back into shape and get healthy again. I have been on restrictions since January and have never been this unhealthy in my life.

  • My nurses were amazing and so compassionate. They really made this tragedy a little easier to handle. We left the hospital with keepsakes that the nurses made for us that I will cherish forever. One nurse made a little baby bracelet with Gavin's name on it and another made a plaster of his footprints for us. (any idea on what we can do for the nurses??)

  • The hospital has a loss and remembrance day in October. We will definitely there.

  • Next time (if there is a next time) I am pregnant we will go directly to a high risk OB to be monitored the entire pregnancy.

  • Hospital food really sucks.

  • The hospital had a professional photographer take pictures of Gavin. I can't wait to get them in the mail.

  • I am worried that my milk will come in. Any one know what I should expect?

  • I saw two pregnant ladies yesterday and it didn't upset me. I was actually worried for them and prayed that they have a healthy baby. No one should have to experience any of this.

  • I hate that my body is going back to normal so quickly. I fear that soon there will not be any signs that I was ever pregnant. I guess this one contradicts what I said earlier about working out....I guess I don't know what I want. 

Sunday, May 22, 2011

Heavy Heart

I was waiting to post until after my level 2 US last Tuesday but a lot has happened between now and then. I fell asleep Monday night a nervous wreck because I was worried what the DR was going to say. Well, I never to made it to my appointment. Monday night around 10pm I woke up to a gush and that was just the beginning.

My hubby and I headed to the ER again and I should have clued in how serious this was by how fast we were seen in the ER. The waiting room was packed and I was in a private room being treated within three hours. The US showed that my baby was still alive and they couldn't tell me where the blood was coming from this time. The ER admitted me to Labor and Delivery around 4am. All the details are very fuzzy but here is the gist of it. I was having contractions and my cervix was effaced already. The high risk OB put me on a Mag drip to stop the contractions I was having in hopes of stopping labor. The Mag drip has some major side effects and I managed to get every one of them (I'm just lucky like that). I also had the signs of pre-eclampsia which included high blood pressure, swollen feet and hands. They started to ween me off the mag drip early because the contractions did stop. However, they completely stopped the meds on Thursday after I was experiencing severe chest pains and very low 02 levels. It didn't take long for my contractions to come back and there was no stopping them this time.

Thursday night I was having contractions and still having a really hard time breathing. My chest felt like I had torn every muscle around my lungs and I really hurt to breathe. I was on oxygen and still felt like I couldn't catch my breath. I requested pain meds that helped with the heaviness of my chest but did squat for my contractions. So, I did what any girl would do and asked for something stronger for the pain. The contractions were getting more painful and closer together. Around 11 pm I started bleeding heavily and my husband called the nurse in. I looked at my hubby and said that this was it. The nurse cleaned everything up and told me they called in the OB and to hold tight until she gets here. My body didn't get the message and I told the nurse I couldn't wait. She had me push and instantly our little baby came into the world. He was perfect – 6.3 oz and 7 – 1/4” long. We named him Gavin William. He was with us for almost an hour before he passed and although obviously devastated, we are grateful we were afforded even a moment to look upon him, hold him and tell him how much we love him.

The OB arrived shortly after and checked me out. My hubby was over with Gavin and once they cleaned him up they laid him on my chest. It was unreal to hold my tiny son. At this point I was a little annoyed that I had asked for the additional pain meds - I was a little fuzzy. It was also hard to talk to Gavin because of the oxygen mask. I would take it off to talk but then I was not able to breathe so I had to keep putting it back on. I'm sure all the crying didn't help.

On Friday we were able to spend more time with Gavin. They dressed him in a little knitted blue outfit and brought him in to be with us. It was our chance to privately say goodbye to our son.

On Friday, they were still worried about my recovery and blood and blood oxygen levels. They thought I might need a transfusion. Thankfully my levels were rising slowly so I got out of that one. I am now anemic and have a prescription for iron pills. I had to stay on the oxygen until Saturday morning. I was able to go home on Saturday which was bitter sweet. I felt so empty leaving Gavin at the hospital.

That is all I can write has been a draining week – physically and mentally. Sorry it sounds like a third grader wrote this but it was really hard to type through the tears.

Thank you for everyone who kept checking in with me this week. I truly appreciate your love and support!

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

A little better today

I am in a better place today. Thanks for letting me vent yesterday. Today I am focusing on all the wonderful people in my life helping to take care of me. My hubby does a wonderful job at night and on the weekends but one of us has to work so he is gone all day. My mom has been a life saver. She is here everyday cooking, cleaning, and running errands for me! (she is only driving me a little crazy) I have a sister and a close friend that are home during the days and they come to help to give my mom a break! Everyone comes over and cooks for the helpless pregnant lady! Everyone keeps trying to shove food down my throat but I am still so sick so I am very limited on what I can eat! I am also really enjoying daytime TV. I should probably read a book or try to do something crafty - maybe next week!

I think I have been having some minor uterine contractions. A couple times a day my lower abdomen feels rock hard. I assume its my uterus. I told the doctor and she said that the old blood could be irritating my uterus causing the contractions. I guess it's no big deal unless they hurt and happen frequently.

I also asked about seeing a high risk OB because I think I now qualify. My OB said they will refer me to one if I reach viability at 24 weeks. That sounded a bit odd to me but I guess they know best.

I hope everyone has a great week! I will keep posting if there is any changes! Thanks for being there for me!

Monday, May 9, 2011

I am still here...still on bed new news. I went to my OB today hoping for some additional information but it was a big fat waste of time. They didn't do another US so I have no idea what is going on in there. The heart beat was about 150 today. I am still praying that my baby is growing and doing ok. I have a level 2 US scheduled for next Tuesday. I guess I will keep laying here hoping everything is ok. I am still pretty nauseous and on a limited diet. I'm actually loosing weight on bed rest. I have to assume it's muscle weight. It does freak me out everytime I sneeze or throw up because I am worried about my placenta completely detaching.

I am so frustrated. This is not how I imagined my pregnancy. It's just not fair. I have to worry about the markers for Down Syndrome and worry about the abruption now. I just wish I could enjoy being pregnant for one day with no worries. Sorry for the rant but I just needed to get it out there.

Thank you all for the love and support you have shown me. I really needed it!

Thursday, May 5, 2011

It all started on Friday

I was driving I my car and I felt gush. I actally thought to myself that I can't belive this pregnancy is causing me to pee my pants. But then I felt another gush and I realized what it was...blood and lots of it. I called my husband and managed to tell him what was happening so he raced home. I was so freaked out - I was hyperventalating and thought this was the end. We called my OB and the nurse called back and told us to go to the ER becasue I probably needed a D&C. Really - way to think positive. I was shocked she assumed the worst. After 6 hours at the ER I had an US and the baby looked great - thank god. The ER said that it looked like I had a low lying placenta and that was probably the cause of the bleed. She put me on bed rest for the weekend and sent me on my way. I spent the weekend on the couch and only got up to pee. On Monday I went to my OB. They did another US and said that they don't know what the ER saw but I don't have a low placenta, I have a placenta abruption. The placenta has sperated from the Uterus wall and there was a pool of blood. They refered me to a Level 2 US that I had on Tuesday. The Doctor at the level 2 place is very concerned with the amount of seperation. My placenta is shaped like a ball instead of a half moon because of the seperation. She is concerned that the baby will not get enough neutrients from the placenta. It's now a wait and see game...another tww until my next US. I will lay here as long as it takes if it means there will not be any additional seperation and my baby is healthy. I am so freaked out. Please keep my baby in your prayers - we sure need them right now.


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