Tuesday, December 27, 2011

Beta 3

Today was beta 3 – day 20 – 711!  Doubling would have been 520 so I am a very happy girl!!!   This really is the best Christmas present.  I have been waiting for years for a healthy pregnancy and I pray every night that this is it for me.  I know this time of year is especially hard for everyone out there and I’m sure reading about my BFP is annoying so I am sorry.  I pray that each of you get your wish in 2012 and I thank you for all your supportive comments. 

Friday, December 23, 2011

Beta #2

My second beta is 131!  Doubling time of 49 hours!  This makes me happy but I am still concerned at the low numbers.  I will have a third beta on Tuesday!  Merry Christmas to everyone!  I will celebrate and pray this will be my take home - healthy baby!

Wednesday, December 21, 2011

I guess this is good news…

Beta of 67 on 9dp5dt – seems low to me but I guess I can’t worry about it until my numbers on Friday!  The RE says anything over 50 is good.  I will be here holding my breath waiting for Friday.  I actually forgot how stressful being pregnant is.  I am going to enjoy each day that I am pregnant and try to think happy thoughts!  Maybe being low is a good thing for me...something different.

Monday, December 19, 2011

Waiting for Wednesday

Just waiting for my beta on Wednesday.  I really hate not knowing one way or the other...

I wish work was busier to keep my mind occupied.  I guess I will file...

Sunday, December 18, 2011

Braving the Mall

Time for some retail therapy!  Heading off to the mall...wish me luck! 

This year I have been feeling the Christmas spirit.  Much better place than I was in last year which is weird considering. 

Saturday, December 17, 2011

I testing this morning and it was negative...I know...It's still probably early - 5dp5dt.  I will hold out a little hope until tomorrow. 

oh - my second embryo didn't make it to re-freeze.  This makes me sad.  

Thursday, December 15, 2011


My transfer on Monday was pretty normal.  The embryo that was transferred looked pretty in the photo they gave me.  I put myself on bedrest for the rest of the day and all day on Tuesday.  I know it’s not needed but it’s deserved.  I am waiting to hear from the RE if the second embryo made it to refreeze.  I hope it did.  Now I just need to make it until Wednesday.  I will be spending the weekend trying not to think about the results! 

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Good to go

Had my ultrasound today and I am good to go with my transfer next week.  My lining is an 8b – they like to see 7 or more (not sure what the b means) and my ovaries are nice and quite.  I start vaginal progesterone tomorrow and continue taking the estrace.  The transfer will be on Monday.  Question for you guys…should I be on baby aspirin?  I could have sworn that I took it during my last IVF and FET but I am not 100% sure.  Should I ask about it?

Thursday, December 1, 2011


Hubby’s mom loved palm trees.  You should have seen their backyard – it was a tropical oasis in Arizona.  When they helped us landscape our yard she got her way and we also have tons of palm trees and hibiscus.  I absolutely love it!  So when she passed away I thought that a little palm tree tattoo would be a perfect way to remember her.  I spent the next two years convincing her best friend to get one with me!  When her BFF was finally ready last year I couldn’t go because I was pregnant with Gavin.  Timing was finally right and we went last week to get the tattoo.  What do you think?  I thought adding Gavin’s initials to the sand would be a nice touch.  I actually think I am going to head back and have more sand added.  This tattoo is on my upper hip.  Every time I see the bright colors I think of my M-in-L and how she is watching over Gavin in heaven.

Monday, November 28, 2011


I guess my December FET is a go!  I started my estrace two weekends ago (twice a day).  My FET will be on December 12th.  Seems so far away but it’s really just around the corner – two weeks from today.  I am excited with a little bit of hope mixed in, but also scared shitless.  We are proceeding with transferring 1 embryo at a time.  There is a part of me that wants to transfer 2 but I should be conservative.  My embryos are frozen in pairs so they will thaw – transfer one then refreeze the other one.  Not an ideal situation but not much else to do.  We are not going to proceed with having our blasts tested because of the hassle of it all.  I would have to call a RE in Colorado (they have the high tech capabilities) and have my frozen embryos transferred and start the process all over with them.  Crazy - not even thinking of the additional cost associated but all the additional time.  I am going to have to have faith that my 4 frozen blasts are of good chromosomal quality.  It’s going to be a long couple of months. 

Monday, November 14, 2011


We spent a wonderful weekend in southern AZ wine country!  The fall festival was going on and we had a blast.  We stayed in Tucson and the winery was about an hour south from there.  We went with another couple who was celebrating their 6 year wedding anniversary! 

Yes - this was really the sign at the turn off!

Tuesday, November 1, 2011


I have not been blogging much because I don’t really have much to say on the IF side of things. I am waiting to hear from the RE to see if testing our 5 day frozen blasts is a possibility. I have my doubts so I am fully prepared to continue on with FETs without testing them first. I just need to call on CD1 to get that started (~3 weeks). When I talked to the nurse this week she is a little concerned that I will have to wait until January to proceed because my timing for December might fall when the lab is closed for the week. Just my luck.

Have you guys heard the latest with Giuliana Rancic? She and her husband Bill are IF advocates and are public with their story. The last season left off with them heading back to the RE for IVF #3. While we were in NYC I saw a commercial for Good Morning America showing she would be on with a big announcement. I looked at hubby and told him that she was going to announce their pregnancy. Boy was I wrong. She announced that she has breast cancer and they found it because the RE made her get a mammogram before proceeding with retrieval for IVF#3. I was totally shocked and started to cry for her. They still proceeded with the retrieval then last week she had a double lumpectomy and will have 6 weeks of radiation. Needless to say I am now scheduled for a mammogram in December. My hubby and I always talk about all these hormones and what effects they are having on me and now this story scared us a bit. I have no idea if Julianne’s issues are related but why not let her story help us and all go get a mammogram.
The latest on Giuliana's story

Monday, October 24, 2011


I will post later…too much to do at work today.  Here are some of my favorite photos from the trip!

Yes - I had to get a picture with the firemen!!!
The protesters were so annoying!

Very windy at the top of Rockefeller

Lady Liberty

Serendipity - so yummy!

Beautiful Central Park

Total tourists taking a carriage ride through Central Park

Top of the Empire State Building

Tuesday, October 11, 2011


This is what I received in the mail yesterday.  What a great reminder of what I don’t have this month.  I’m so ready to get the hell out of here!  I promise to be in a better mood when I get back!

Monday, October 10, 2011

Meeting a Blog Friend IRL

I had the privilege to meet Hannah over at Life Happens last weekend.  She was visiting friends in Arizona and so we were able to meet up for dessert!  I have met so many amazing women because of blogging and it was great to finally meet Hannah in real life!!!!

Friday, October 7, 2011

I have so much to say

I don’t even know where to begin. I have so much to say and I have just been too busy to blog. I have been reading everyone’s posts but for some reason I am having trouble commenting while at work.

I have gone to see the perinatologist and reviewed my history with him. I absolutely loved the peri we met with. He took the time and really seemed to care about us and everything that has happened. The long story short is that he recommended thawing our four frozen blasts to test them for chromosomal issues. He thinks there might have been a chromosomal issue with the placenta and possibly Gavin that caused everything. No one knows for sure but his reasoning was sound and it’s a possibility. The peri called my RE and they chatted about my case for a while. Now the issue is do I want to test my frozen embryos? Typically the RE does the PDG testing on fresh three day embryos not frozen 5 day blasts. So in talking with my RE he is going to put together a plan and a cost for this testing. It’s possible to test 5 day frozen blasts but there is no laser or anyone qualified in AZ to do this so they would either have to fly the equipment and expert to Phoenix to do this or ship my embryos to Colorado or Stanford. If they ship them for testing the RE that does the test might want me to fly to their office to do the transfer(s). This is all sounding very expensive. I also worry if the embryos will survive the thaw, test, freeze, rethaw and transfer. Does it matter losing a cell or two at the five day blast stage? Should I not worry about testing the embryos and hope for the best? What if we do this testing and all four have issues and then I am back to square one? I have so many questions and fears. I guess I will wait to hear from my RE with his suggestions and plan.

On a side note I had my sono mock done and my RE checked my uterus for scarring. Everything checked out A ok! Depending on testing of the embryos and how long it takes I am hoping to do my next FET in December.

We are heading out on our consolation trip to NYC on Thursday. I have such mixed feelings about the trip. I am very excited to go to the greatest city in the US for a week and not think about real life but at the same time I keep thinking that I should be having a baby October 17th not going out to a nice dinner. I hope I am able to clear my thoughts and enjoy this time with hubby.

Oh and one more thing….September was our 5 year TTC anniversary. Such a sucky milestone.

Back to work…I have 8 million things to do before we leave!

Friday, September 23, 2011

more waiting...

I met with the perinatologist yesterday and told our story yet again. This was the first time I met with this doctor and I really liked him. My appointment was at four so they took me back to the room about 3:50 – as I was nervously waiting for the doctor my hubby walked in. I was very surprised because I thought he couldn’t get out of work. It was reassuring having him by my side. We talked to the doctor for 45 minutes and his suggestion was to see if we can do the PSD testing on our frozen blasts. He believes there was a chromosomal issue with Gavin and/or the placenta that caused the bleed and all the other issues. I regret not having the hospital do all the testing after Gavin was born. It would be nice to have some answers. I am going to the RE next week for a sono-mock to get the “all clear” on my uterus. At that time I will see if they can do the PSD testing on frozen blasts. I have read that the testing us usually done at the 3 day 8-cell stage. If they can do the testing I guess they will have to thaw the embryos then remove a few cells and refreeze while we wait for the test results. This process doesn’t sound cheap or easy.

The perinatologist also recommended waiting at least 9 to 12 months before starting back up. I understand the reasoning behind the long wait time but I am going to proceed in December. That will give my body 7 months to heal…I don’t think my heart and mind can wait any longer than that. I guess it might be a moot point if they test my four frozen blasts and none of them are normal. Then it wouldn’t really matter anyways. There are just too many unknowns at this point so I will just quietly wait until my next doctor’s appointment like a good little infertile.

I am getting excited for out NYC trip. I can’t believe we leave in just three weeks. I guess I have some clothes shopping to do this weekend!

Wednesday, September 14, 2011


We finally broke down and bought a new sectional and TV for our great room. Our old couches were super comfy but looked a bit sloppy and our old TV was having issues of turning off every 10 minutes until it warmed up and it was really annoying.

The room is a long way from being finished. We need a new coffee and sofa table and two chairs for the opposite wall. I am also going to hang some curtains in the room. Good thing the furniture store had a deal running that gave us an extra $600 in store credit to cover the additional furniture needed.

Tell me what you think (sorry for the crappy cell phone picture)!

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Stop with the encouraging words people...

When I tell people IRL that I am going back to the RE they keep giving me stupid encouraging statements. Such as “I’m glad you are not giving up – the whole Gavin thing is a fluke and you will be fine” – really? – how the F#*% do you know my next pregnancy (if I am lucky enough to have a next one) will be fine? Are you SURE that a placental abruption and/or an incompetent cervix will not happen again? They also tell me that at least I know what signs to look for next time and at least the doctors will be monitoring me closely. If I have signs of either again it’s going to suck and it might not matter how closely they monitor me. I could still have major problems.

I kind of wish people would just keep their mouths shut, back off a bit and let me be worried about what’s going to happen next. Nothing they say will ease my fears. I think they just say what they need to hear.

I am meeting with the Perinatologist in a week. I will have to tell my story yet again and hope they give me the green light to start back up with FETs. I am not sure if they will have any testing for me to do or want to check any hormone levels.

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

I used to walk around the RE’s office like I owned the place. I knew every doctor, nurse and tech. This last appointment was different. I have not been in the RE’s office since I “graduated” last March and it felt like a foreign land to me. The receptionist was new and so was the tech that took me back. I didn’t even get to see my favorite nurse. After waiting for 45 min (yes – our RE is always running behind) we were finally greeted by my RE. He is wonderful and spends quality time with his patents…I guess that is why he is always running behind. He introduced us to a new doctor or maybe she was an intern and asked if we would mind if she sat in on our meeting. I know that we are an interesting case so it’s probably a good one for her to learn on. We told Gavin’s story and I made it through the appointment without actually crying. The RE took notes and asked a lot of questions. He was a little disappointed that we didn’t do the extra testing on Gavin and the placenta. While we were in the hospital the perinatologist said that additional testing probably wouldn’t give us any answers and recommended we not spend the money to do it. Now I wish we did. Anyways…

Our RE wants to redo the sonogram just to give my uterus the all clear. I will call on my next CD1 (two weeks) to get that scheduled. He also wants me to make an appointment with the Perinatologist to get approval from him to proceed with the FET. Now if you remember the Peri at the hospital suggested for us to wait a whole year before TTC and our OB suggested 3 months. We decided to split the difference and start up in November which will give my body 6 months to heal. I almost cried when my RE suggested this…my eyes filled with tears and hubby looked at me and told me to take a deep breath and calmed me down. He said that we can decide our treatment timeline -since everyone tells us different things anyways. I just don’t think I can wait another 6 months.

So here I am, needing to make another doctors appointment hoping that we can get started soon. I am getting a little sick of telling my story. I have bits and pieces of my medical records in four different locations. I need a big binder with it all to carry around because I can’t remember all this shit.

Oh – we talked to the RE regarding transferring one embryo at a time. He thinks that’s a good idea because of the whole incompetent cervix thing. The only issue is that they freeze embryos in pairs. This sucks – I have four frozen embryos that are chillen with their buddies. He said it shouldn’t be an issue to unfreeze a pair then transfer one and then refreeze the other. That sounds like a process where a whole lot of stuff can go wrong to me. I guess I can’t dwell on what’s been done. You would think that I am not the only person in the world that only wants to transfer one embryo – I wonder why they do that.

Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Back in the Saddle Again

I called the RE two weeks ago on my CD1 just to see what testing they were going to make me do again if we want to proceed with a FET in November. I assume they will want to do some blood work and I am hoping that I will not need another HSG. They called back and said that the first step was to meet with the RE…so…

I have an appointment with my RE tomorrow and I have such mixed emotions. I can’t believe I have to go back after they made such a big deal about me graduating from there back in March. I am nervous and have butterflies…a little part of me is excited with the thought of trying again and the other part is terrified. All the what ifs are running through my head and it keeps bringing tears to my eyes. I thought the next time I would be in his office I would be one of the annoying moms dragging her screaming two year old in (annoying all the other IFers) to do a FET for our second kid. Now I will be in his office having to tell him Gavin’s story through tears trying to keep it together long enough to hear his thoughts on everything. I will let you know how it goes!

Thursday, August 18, 2011

It’s been three months since Gavin was born.  Some days it seems like we lost him just yesterday and other days it seems like it was a life time ago.  I miss him so much and days like today my heart hurts. 

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

The innocent questions of a little boy

Hubby and I were in the car with my 6 year old nephew Jake on Saturday and out of the blue he asked why our baby Gavin died.  I was a little taken aback by the question but I managed to answer “because he was born too early and he was just too small to live.”  Jake then asked if he was buried in the ground and if he went to heaven.  I didn’t know how to explain the concept of cremation so I said “yes he is buried and up in heaven.”  Jake seemed satisfied with our answers then proceeded to tell us that he has a friend named Gavin but he’s not dead – which actually made us laugh.  It’s funny how kids process things. 

Wednesday, August 3, 2011


Whoo Hoo - It’s finalized – we will spend Gavin’s due date in NYC! We are so excited to spend a week there. Hubby has never been to NYC and I was little last time I was there. We are going for 8 nights and have a long list of things to do and see! It’s been helpful to have something to plan and to look forward to. It keeps my mind from wondering too far.

I know that October is going to be a hard month for me so going on vacation will be a good excuse to get out of most everything that month. I already had a friend tell me to save the first weekend in October for her baby shower. Really…she is not due until mid January so I was surprised her shower is in October. I am going to have to decline. I would probably go if it was during any other month…just not two weeks before Gavin’s due date. I hope she understands. I just had to hide her on FB…her pregnancy posts were just too much to handle.

This weekend we are having a staycation with the family at a local resort! I am really looking forward to it. The resort has a wave pool, water slides, swim up bar, and a lazy river! I plan on getting a nice tan and spending some quality time with my parents, sisters/brother and all my nieces and nephews! Now I just need to find a swim suit that fits me!

Thursday, July 21, 2011

What Makes a Mother?

I wanted to share this, it brought tears to my eyes.  

What Makes a Mother

I thought of you and closed my eyes.
And prayed to God today.
I asked what makes a mother and
I know I heard him say,
A mother has a baby.
This we know is true.
But God, can you be a mother
When your baby's not with you?

Yes, you can, He replied
with confidence in His voice.
I give many women babies.
When they leave is not their choice.

Some I send for a lifetime
and others for a day.
And some I send to feel your womb
but there's no need to stay.

I just don't understand this. God,
I want my baby here.
He took a breath and cleared His throat
and then I saw a tear.
I wish I could show you
what your child is doing today.
If you could see your child smile
with other children and say,
"We go to earth to learn our lessons
of life and love and fear.
My Mommy loved me, Oh so much,
I got to come straight here.
I feel so lucky to have a Mom
who had so much love for me,
I learned my lesson very quickly.
My Mommy set me free.

I miss my Mommy, Oh so much,
but I visit her each day.
When she goes to sleep,
on her pillow's where I lay.
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek
and whisper in her ear,
'Mommy don't be sad today,
I'm your baby and I'm here.'"
So you see, my dear sweet one,
your children are okay.
Your babies are here in MY home
and this is where they'll stay.
They'll wait for you with ME
until your lesson is through.
And on the day that you come home,
they'll be at the gates for you.

So now you see what makes a Mother”
It's the feeling in your heart.
It's the love you had so much of,
right from the very start.

Though some on earth may not realize you are a Mother,
until their time is done.
They'll be up here with ME one day,
and know you're the best one.

~Jennifer Wasik~

Monday, July 18, 2011

All you can really do is laugh

On Friday afternoon, I am standing in the checkout line at the local drugstore and I am in a daze of thought.  As I look in my basket to see what random crap I am buying and I bust up laughing at myself.  I have a box of 10 ovulation testers, a box of 3 First Response pregnancy tests, and a jumbo size of tampons.  I guess as an infertile you always have try to get pregnant, having some hope that you will do it on your own and that I might actually need these pregnancy tests before they expire.  My body knows each month will inevitably end in needing the tampons but I guess my mind doesn’t.  Glad I thought it was funny.    

Monday, July 11, 2011

day by day

I don’t really have that much to say these days. I am just trying to figure out how to live my life and it’s a daily battle to not go into depression mode. I want to be ok and I understand that I can be happy even though I am still so sad. I have had a couple “weepy” days where I am on the verge of tears and cry over anything. My hubby went out on a boy’s night last week and he called to say hi and I was crying. He felt bad for leaving me - I had been fine all week but a FB pregnancy announcement triggered me. It was probably better that I was alone and he got to enjoy time out with his friends. I am usually pretty social but I find myself declining invites and even telling hubby to go without me lately. I struggle being around friends that I have not seen recently. I am only “ok” in my comfort zone group of friends/family right now (read…the ones that are not pregnant and I don’t expect a surprise pregnancy announcement from them any time soon)

On another note…Our next door neighbor is a retired cop. He lives there with his bed ridden wife. I believe she has rheumatoid arthritis and a list of other health problems. We are friendly with them and do neighborly things like pull up his garbage can from the curb and let each other know when we are going out of town. My hubby talked to him while I was in the hospital and told him what was going on. Our neighbor called and followed up to check on me about a month ago. Yesterday he came by with a gift for us. He and his wife had a star named after Gavin. I opened it and instantly started to cry. How sweet for them to think of us during all this and go out of their way to do this. Now I feel bad that we have never even invited him over for a beer. It’s the little things that mean so much!

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Digging out from the dust…

For those of you who have not heard Phoenix was hit with a crazy dust storm last night. It was a mile-high dust storm moved between speeds of 50 and 60 mph and was nearly 100 miles wide, according to the weather service. Here is a video of the Haboob (aka. dust storm) rolling into the valley. 

My car is dirty...really dirty now. 

Check me out!

Sweet Carlia at The Stork Drop Zone featured me on her Humpday Hero Award Post.  Thanks for nominating me!!!

Friday, July 1, 2011

Queen of Everything

or so my new award tells me. Okay, not everything, but I do get to make three rules "insert maniacal, evil laugh" (and they're so awesome they better stick!).

Carla over at The Stork Drop Zone gave me authority to put my power to use for the good of mankind, (check out the rules here.) so here it goes...

rule #1: High heels no longer hurt your feet! You can wear them all day and they feel like you are walking on memory foam!

rule #2: You get promoted for working hard and doing a good job. No more politics in the work place. None of this who you know Bull$hit. (I guess with this new rule I should get back to work and stop blogging).

rule #3: You will look like a model in every picture taken of you! No more of the red eyes or funny expressions. Now you never have to worry about the pictures people post on FB - you will look marvelous!

~by the power invested in me as the Overloard, I bestow this award on my fellow bloggers, because, well...I'm just dying to know what your rules will be!

Thursday, June 23, 2011

I thought I would share a picture of Gavin’s urn. I absolutely love it. We chose the green marble because his birthstone is emerald. Right now his urn is on our kitchen counter. I am not really sure where to put him. I might have hubby install a shelf in our bedroom or TV room (the rooms we use the most) - Just not really sure. I should be picking out baby furniture not deciding the best place for an urn. This is all still so surreal.

The top says:  Until we meet again, may God hold you in the palm of His hand.

We managed to survive Father’s Day. I think it was harder on Hubby than he thought it was going to be. I was sad for him and for the fact that I feel like I failed him.

We shared Gavin’s photos with our families on Father’s Day. I think they appreciated seeing them. I need to talk about Gavin and what happened but I think people are scared to ask me any questions. So thanks to all of you for letting me talk and for listening.

~We are heading out of town up to the mountains for the weekend. It will be a nice break from real life (and the 111 degree heat). I am actually looking forward to it.

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Pregnancy and Infant Loss (PAIL) Blog Directory

I am not looking forward to Fathers Day this weekend. I love my dad and want to celebrate him but it will be a tough reminder. I am the youngest of four children and each of my sisters/brother has four kids. Yes – they are all super fertile…I am the only IF one. They better not say anything stupid to hubby. We don’t mind talking about Gavin or what happened, it will just be a sad day and we don’t need all the extra comments. This will be the first time I have seen my nieces and nephews so they might have some questions. I hope their parents prep them on what’s appropriate.

Also, this Friday is the fourth anniversary of hubby’s moms passing and Sunday is the anniversary of my first MC (10 weeks) two years ago. Not a great weekend for us.

On another note please go check this out if you have ever experienced loss along this journey. It’s a new directory to find support of others going through the same thing.

Pregnancy and Infant Loss (PAIL) Blog Directory is now live.

Visit the PAIL Blog Directory here; submit to have your blog added. Please blog about the directory to spread the word if you have any suggestions about how the directory could be better please let me know. This is a way that the creator has found to use her loss of Emily Faith to positively impact other families who have also suffered a loss.

Thank you all for your support.

Monday, June 13, 2011

Follow up

I had my follow up OB visit last week. My OB had all my records transferred to their office from my RE’s. She reviewed them to see if there was any additional testing we should do because while I was in the hospital they mentioned the placental abruption could have been due to a blood clotting disorder. I was pretty sure that my RE tested for everything under the sun last summer but I couldn’t remember what exactly. It turns out that I have been tested for all the normal stuff they test for after a 2nd trimester loss and I don’t have any disorders…just bad luck and probably an incompetent cervix.

My OB said that I can start trying again in three to four months (or when we are emotionally ready). The perinatologist in the hospital said to wait a year. I am thinking of splitting it and starting back up at the RE in about six months. It’s hard to think about TTC right now since I am still in such a raw place but being the planner that I am, I need to think about our future also. Since we have four frosties waiting for us I will call and see what I need to do for a November/December FET. I am sure they will need to do some blood work and probably another semen analysis since all their tests are only good for a year. I will talk to the RE and perinatologist about how many embryos to transfer. I think one at a time is probably good. The potential of twins when I might have an incompetent cervix is probably not a good idea. I am wondering how the RE freezes embryos. I have a feeling that the freeze two together so I can’t just defrost one of them.

Health wise I am doing much better. No more bleeding or night sweats. I have started back to the gym and I was actually a little surprised I didn’t keel over! I will hit up a couple classes this week. I need to get back into my normal clothes so I have some cute stuff to wear to work.

Emotionally I am also doing better. I only cry when I have a reason to cry. When Gavin’s urn was delivered the other day and I cried when I saw it. I am sure I will cry when we transfer his ashes to it tonight. (I will post some photos of it later). I can now look at his photos and talk about him without a meltdown. However, I do cry when my husband says sweet things to me about being a mom.

Thanks for all your sweet comments on our pictures of Gavin.

Thursday, June 9, 2011

WARNING - Photos of Gavin included

I am thankful for the Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep photography organization.  For those of you who don’t know its professional photographers that are willing to donate their time and services to helping families who are experiencing the loss of an infant.  They did a wonderful job taking professional photos of Gavin and I thought I would share a few. 

It was hard to look at these pictures when they came in the mail but I really think it helps with the healing process.  I will cherish these pictures forever!  I won't share the photos with anyone IRL unless they ask to see them.  I hope you don't mind that I shared these with you. 

Thursday, June 2, 2011

Back to work

I’m back to work and it was not as bad as I thought it would be. I put myself into a bit of a panic on Monday because I was so worried what people would say to me. Most everyone handled things appropriately. I got lots of hugs and pity looks (You know the look people give when they cock their head to the side, raise one eyebrow, give you puppy dog eyes and say you poor thing). It’s just the worst and it makes me cry every time. I hate the pity look. There was the one guy (there always is) who was in my office first thing and he said he was sorry for our loss which was fine but then he proceeded to ask when we were going to start trying again. Ok first of all, this is the creepy older guy in the office and second of all, why does he want to know about my personal life. Like I want him picturing us doing the deed to get pregnant. No one at work has any idea that we are IF but I don’t want him even thinking that kind of stuff about me. Yuck. (Insert body shudder here)

I do feel a little bit guilty because at work I am so busy that I don’t really have time to be sad. I haven’t had a good cry in two days. I get teary eyed talking to people but I am able to keep it together.

Monday, May 30, 2011

I'm just mad

Why does everyone keep telling me that I am doing so great and that I am so strong? They talk to / see me for maybe an hour and they seem amazed that I can hold it together and not burst into tears while they are here. What they don't see me crying myself to sleep every night or hear me crying in the shower every morning. They don't get how hard it was to pick out an urn or pick up Gavin's ashes. They have no idea how I am freaking out inside about returning to work. They think they know whats going on just because they ask and all I can muster is an “I'm fine”. In my world, fine is not good. I know I can never explain how I really feel to them so that they understand and I guess I really hope no one truly gets it because that would mean they had to experience what I went through. I don't know...I guess I am in the mad phase right now.

I had a nice freak out the other night – I started to looking into planning a tropical getaway so we could be on vacation during Gavin's original due date in October and snapped - I realized that I don't want a F'n consolation prize of a vacation...I just want my baby. I guess that is just too much to ask.

Health wise I am getting much better. I am actually sore from doing housework yesterday. I guess I have a ways to go before I can go back to the gym. My Body Combat class would probably kick my a$$ right now.

I am also mad at Blogger. It won't let me comment on anyone's blogs right now.

I will post later this week when I am in a better mood.

We dropped off Sprinkles Cupcakes to the Nurses at the hospital last night.  It was good for me to go back there.  We saw two of the nurses that took care of me and it was nice seeing them again. 

I hope everyone is enjoying their Memorial Day!

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Random thoughts and lessons learned

  • I always knew that I have an amazing husband but going through something like this just confirms that I was right. He was by my side 100% and took the best care of me. People always say that stuff like this can tear a marriage apart but I disagree. I think it brought us even closer together.

  • I now know that we make perfect beautiful babies.

  • I saw how much my hubby wants to be a father and how great he will be.

  • We have an amazing support system – locally and online. Family and friends were checking on us daily. Blog friends were extremely supportive. In the hospital I kept telling my hubby that I need to post a blog about what was going on but I was unable to get online.

  • I am stronger than I thought. I was put through the ringer physically and mentally and I know that I will be OK (someday).

  • I love Gavin more than life, even though I only met him for a short time.

  • People at mortuary's are a little bit creepy.

  • We are having Gavin cremated on Thursday and need to pick an urn.

  • We are going on Vacation in October so we can be somewhere tropical to remember Gavin's original due date.

  • I am having trouble reading and commenting on other blogs right now. I hope this doesn't last too long.

  • I am scared to go back to work after a month off. I don't want them all to see me cry. I am going back after the holiday next week.

  • I am ready to start working out to get my body back into shape and get healthy again. I have been on restrictions since January and have never been this unhealthy in my life.

  • My nurses were amazing and so compassionate. They really made this tragedy a little easier to handle. We left the hospital with keepsakes that the nurses made for us that I will cherish forever. One nurse made a little baby bracelet with Gavin's name on it and another made a plaster of his footprints for us. (any idea on what we can do for the nurses??)

  • The hospital has a loss and remembrance day in October. We will definitely there.

  • Next time (if there is a next time) I am pregnant we will go directly to a high risk OB to be monitored the entire pregnancy.

  • Hospital food really sucks.

  • The hospital had a professional photographer take pictures of Gavin. I can't wait to get them in the mail.

  • I am worried that my milk will come in. Any one know what I should expect?

  • I saw two pregnant ladies yesterday and it didn't upset me. I was actually worried for them and prayed that they have a healthy baby. No one should have to experience any of this.

  • I hate that my body is going back to normal so quickly. I fear that soon there will not be any signs that I was ever pregnant. I guess this one contradicts what I said earlier about working out....I guess I don't know what I want. 

Sunday, May 22, 2011

Heavy Heart

I was waiting to post until after my level 2 US last Tuesday but a lot has happened between now and then. I fell asleep Monday night a nervous wreck because I was worried what the DR was going to say. Well, I never to made it to my appointment. Monday night around 10pm I woke up to a gush and that was just the beginning.

My hubby and I headed to the ER again and I should have clued in how serious this was by how fast we were seen in the ER. The waiting room was packed and I was in a private room being treated within three hours. The US showed that my baby was still alive and they couldn't tell me where the blood was coming from this time. The ER admitted me to Labor and Delivery around 4am. All the details are very fuzzy but here is the gist of it. I was having contractions and my cervix was effaced already. The high risk OB put me on a Mag drip to stop the contractions I was having in hopes of stopping labor. The Mag drip has some major side effects and I managed to get every one of them (I'm just lucky like that). I also had the signs of pre-eclampsia which included high blood pressure, swollen feet and hands. They started to ween me off the mag drip early because the contractions did stop. However, they completely stopped the meds on Thursday after I was experiencing severe chest pains and very low 02 levels. It didn't take long for my contractions to come back and there was no stopping them this time.

Thursday night I was having contractions and still having a really hard time breathing. My chest felt like I had torn every muscle around my lungs and I really hurt to breathe. I was on oxygen and still felt like I couldn't catch my breath. I requested pain meds that helped with the heaviness of my chest but did squat for my contractions. So, I did what any girl would do and asked for something stronger for the pain. The contractions were getting more painful and closer together. Around 11 pm I started bleeding heavily and my husband called the nurse in. I looked at my hubby and said that this was it. The nurse cleaned everything up and told me they called in the OB and to hold tight until she gets here. My body didn't get the message and I told the nurse I couldn't wait. She had me push and instantly our little baby came into the world. He was perfect – 6.3 oz and 7 – 1/4” long. We named him Gavin William. He was with us for almost an hour before he passed and although obviously devastated, we are grateful we were afforded even a moment to look upon him, hold him and tell him how much we love him.

The OB arrived shortly after and checked me out. My hubby was over with Gavin and once they cleaned him up they laid him on my chest. It was unreal to hold my tiny son. At this point I was a little annoyed that I had asked for the additional pain meds - I was a little fuzzy. It was also hard to talk to Gavin because of the oxygen mask. I would take it off to talk but then I was not able to breathe so I had to keep putting it back on. I'm sure all the crying didn't help.

On Friday we were able to spend more time with Gavin. They dressed him in a little knitted blue outfit and brought him in to be with us. It was our chance to privately say goodbye to our son.

On Friday, they were still worried about my recovery and blood and blood oxygen levels. They thought I might need a transfusion. Thankfully my levels were rising slowly so I got out of that one. I am now anemic and have a prescription for iron pills. I had to stay on the oxygen until Saturday morning. I was able to go home on Saturday which was bitter sweet. I felt so empty leaving Gavin at the hospital.

That is all I can write now...it has been a draining week – physically and mentally. Sorry it sounds like a third grader wrote this but it was really hard to type through the tears.

Thank you for everyone who kept checking in with me this week. I truly appreciate your love and support!

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

A little better today

I am in a better place today. Thanks for letting me vent yesterday. Today I am focusing on all the wonderful people in my life helping to take care of me. My hubby does a wonderful job at night and on the weekends but one of us has to work so he is gone all day. My mom has been a life saver. She is here everyday cooking, cleaning, and running errands for me! (she is only driving me a little crazy) I have a sister and a close friend that are home during the days and they come to help to give my mom a break! Everyone comes over and cooks for the helpless pregnant lady! Everyone keeps trying to shove food down my throat but I am still so sick so I am very limited on what I can eat! I am also really enjoying daytime TV. I should probably read a book or try to do something crafty - maybe next week!

I think I have been having some minor uterine contractions. A couple times a day my lower abdomen feels rock hard. I assume its my uterus. I told the doctor and she said that the old blood could be irritating my uterus causing the contractions. I guess it's no big deal unless they hurt and happen frequently.

I also asked about seeing a high risk OB because I think I now qualify. My OB said they will refer me to one if I reach viability at 24 weeks. That sounded a bit odd to me but I guess they know best.

I hope everyone has a great week! I will keep posting if there is any changes! Thanks for being there for me!

Monday, May 9, 2011

I am still here...still on bed rest...no new news. I went to my OB today hoping for some additional information but it was a big fat waste of time. They didn't do another US so I have no idea what is going on in there. The heart beat was about 150 today. I am still praying that my baby is growing and doing ok. I have a level 2 US scheduled for next Tuesday. I guess I will keep laying here hoping everything is ok. I am still pretty nauseous and on a limited diet. I'm actually loosing weight on bed rest. I have to assume it's muscle weight. It does freak me out everytime I sneeze or throw up because I am worried about my placenta completely detaching.

I am so frustrated. This is not how I imagined my pregnancy. It's just not fair. I have to worry about the markers for Down Syndrome and worry about the abruption now. I just wish I could enjoy being pregnant for one day with no worries. Sorry for the rant but I just needed to get it out there.

Thank you all for the love and support you have shown me. I really needed it!

Thursday, May 5, 2011

It all started on Friday

I was driving I my car and I felt gush. I actally thought to myself that I can't belive this pregnancy is causing me to pee my pants. But then I felt another gush and I realized what it was...blood and lots of it. I called my husband and managed to tell him what was happening so he raced home. I was so freaked out - I was hyperventalating and thought this was the end. We called my OB and the nurse called back and told us to go to the ER becasue I probably needed a D&C. Really - way to think positive. I was shocked she assumed the worst. After 6 hours at the ER I had an US and the baby looked great - thank god. The ER said that it looked like I had a low lying placenta and that was probably the cause of the bleed. She put me on bed rest for the weekend and sent me on my way. I spent the weekend on the couch and only got up to pee. On Monday I went to my OB. They did another US and said that they don't know what the ER saw but I don't have a low placenta, I have a placenta abruption. The placenta has sperated from the Uterus wall and there was a pool of blood. They refered me to a Level 2 US that I had on Tuesday. The Doctor at the level 2 place is very concerned with the amount of seperation. My placenta is shaped like a ball instead of a half moon because of the seperation. She is concerned that the baby will not get enough neutrients from the placenta. It's now a wait and see game...another tww until my next US. I will lay here as long as it takes if it means there will not be any additional seperation and my baby is healthy. I am so freaked out. Please keep my baby in your prayers - we sure need them right now.

Friday, April 22, 2011

What are the odds?

I think getting an NT scan just to get the extra U/S may have not been the best idea for us. I was all about getting tested when I heard the word ultrasound. I would never pass up a chance to see the little baby! The U/S went great and the measurement of the space at the base of the neck (nuchal fold) was right on with the normal size. 1.1 I think…Then they did the blood draw and I left the office with photos in hand and couldn’t have been happier.

I had actually forgotten we were tested until I got the phone call with the results. I was surprised to see that my doctors office was calling me and I innocently answered. The NT test scans for Down syndrome and Trisomy 19. The nurse told me that I was high risk for Down syndrome – a 1 and 6 chance and low risk for the Trisomy. I was shocked. I didn’t expect to be in the high risk category. I know that my risk goes up because I am 35 but I hated actually hearing this. So there is an 83% chance this baby is totally normal. I just hate the fact that I even have to worry about the other 17% …I know there are lots of false positives with this test but I am usually not that lucky. I think we have decided to get an amnio just to know. I need to be prepared if our little baby has downs. Any others out there that had an amnio done?

*The anti nausea meds have been helping!  It feels nice to eat a normal meal again.

** Edit to post - I forgot to mention that we did talk to a genetics but he didn’t give us any information that we didn’t already know thanks to Dr Google.  Basically my hormone levels are off and my age point to downs.  I was too far along for the CVS scan so I have to wait.  They never mentioned anything about a second blood draw...I will do some checking.  My Anatomy scan and Amino is scheduled for May 17th - I will be 18.5 weeks along.

Wednesday, April 20, 2011


I finally broke down and called the OB for some anti-nausea meds. I have been puking every day for the last two weeks. Some days I only puke once but the other days it can be 10 + times. I need to feel better and eat a normal meal. All I can keep down right now are carbs. I am a little surprised that I still feel like this. I guess everyone is different and I will continue to feel crappy for a couple more weeks. I do smile everyday at the fact that I feel so crappy. Everyone says it’s a sign of a healthy baby and that is all I really want!

I am starting to pop out a bit…I had to tell everyone at work because there was no more hiding it! It’s a relief that they all know. The ladies in my office have been really sweet and keep asking if I need anything…the guys barley notice so that is good!

I noticed I lost a couple followers this week. I totally understand! I have been on the other side for many years and stopped following many blogs when they got their BFP. I pray every day for my IF blog friends and that they all get BFP soon.

I’m off to Costco to get my meds! I hope everyone is having a fabulous day!

Monday, April 11, 2011

This weekend we started telling the rest of our families and close friends our news.  Today, I am FREAKING out thinking of all the people I would have to untell if this doesn’t work out.  Yep - I just chickened out telling my boss this week.  Hopefully, I can find some more black shirts to wear to hide the bloat for another week until I man up and let the world know my little secret.  Thank god for the Doppler! 

Friday, April 8, 2011

NT Scan

Today was my NT scan.  They did an U/S and blood work.  I will get the results in about 10 days.  I am not worried because the measurements were all within the limits.  The real reason we opted for the scan was the U/S.  The little one actually waved at us today!  Very cool.  I am now 12w4d and it still doesn’t feel real.  I am excited and getting a little bit less scared of a miscarriage but I still worry.  This weekend we are going to tell the rest of our families who don’t know already.  I will probably work up enough nerve to tell my boss next week.  I still have a problem saying “it” out loud. 

Monday, April 4, 2011

Wow - 12 weeks!

I’m still here wondering if this is actually going to happen. I had my first OB appointment last Thursday. They did all the normal stuff like a pap and gave me tons of information. Then the OB said she would use the Doppler just for my peace of mind. Well, because of my tilted uterus she couldn’t find the heartbeat so I got an U/S! Everything is perfect and I am now measuring on schedule (11w4d on Thursday). Today I hit that infamous 12 week mark! I am just amazed that I have made it this far!

At the OB appointment the dr asked me if I was going to breastfeed. I was a little shocked that she asked me about something that was so far down the road. I have not really thought about anything past the 12 week mark let alone after the baby was actually born. I answered yes because I always assumed I would breastfeed if I could but it was just a bit weird.

I am going to call to set up our first trimester NT screening. I was debating on getting this done but in the end an additional U/S won. The results won’t matter one way or another but I guess it would be nice to know if something was wrong to prepare. After our screening I think I will start telling people about this pregnancy. I am not sure how much longer I can hide it from work. I work with mostly guys…I don’t think they will notice the additional weight in my stomach but they will notice the growing boobs soon enough. Thanks for sticking with me though all this. I have really needed your comments and support! I hope everyone had a great weekend! Cheers!

Thursday, March 24, 2011

Still here- still pregnant I hope

I am just hoping and praying that everything is going well. I have my first OB appointment next week but I don’t think they do an U/S so I have to wait even longer.

We saw the specialist last Friday and they didn’t see anything out of the ordinary so that is good. Still measuring a couple days behind.

Got our Doppler but I can’t find the heart beat. I am not very worried about that (yet) because I know I have a tilted uterus and it would be hard for me to find the HB this early. I will try again this weekend.

I hope this post doesn’t sound too negative. I am just having a hard time being super happy about this pregnancy because I keeping thinking of the missed miscarriage I had at 10 weeks. I had no idea that the baby had died and the U/S was the worst thing I have ever been though. I don’t think I would make it if that happened again. I guess I am trying to protect myself a little bit.

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

9 weeks

Just got back from my weekly U/S at the REs and everything is looking ok. Still measuring behind but consistent growth. I should be 9w2d and he measured 9w0d with a heart rate of 187. The RE is still not worried about the size of the little guy so I guess I’m ok.

I am not good at seeing the baby on the screen and being able to tell what is what. Today I was staring at its head thinking how cute the little guy was then the RE pointed out the leg buds coming out of what I thought were the ears. I guess I can’t tell the difference between the head and the rump. I felt kinda like Rachel in Friends when she had her U/S if you remember that…! We did get to see the baby moving – that was really cool!

The past two U/S the RE has been a little bit concerned with the amount of fluid surrounding the baby. He said it could just be the angle and probably nothing to worry about but he did refer us to a U/S specialist to get it checked out. So I am currently waiting for them to call so I can make an appointment!

At 9 weeks I have officially graduated from the RE… I will see this specialist next week and then I have my first OB appointment on the 31st. The RE did say that I can go back to their office anytime in the next two weeks if I need to see the heartbeat for some reassurance. I will sure miss the compassion that we received from everyone at the RE’s office.

Anyone have any advice on the purchase or rental of a Fetal Doppler? I have heard great things and think I need one! Can you suggest a brand for me to check out?

My symptoms seem to be lightning up a little. Not as nauseous – it really depends on what I eat. My boobs ache at night but are feeling better during the day. The past two days I have had a touch of a headache but its either allergies or I need to drink more water. I hope the lack of symptoms is not a bad sign.

I am also finished with my estrace and my progesterone lozenges.  I will continue with the progesterone gel for another two weeks!  

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Holy Moly...I have 100 Followers!

I am amazed that I have 100 followers. (I remember being amazed that I had 10 followers in the beginning!) Thank you for all being there to support me along this crazy emotional ride! I just want you all to know that I talk about my bloggy friends a lot and I love this community.

I am working on a little surprise since I now have 100 followers…we will see if it comes through!

Friday, March 11, 2011

Another US

I had another US yesterday. I think things are progressing alright. I am measuring small still but I had a good amount of growth between the two appointments. At least it’s consistent. I am measuring 8w0d with a heartbeat of 178. I go back in next Wednesday. I am really getting used to these weekly appointments. My RE keeps telling me to call my OB to get scheduled but I am just not ready to yet. Maybe after my 9w appointment.

Symptoms: this week I am starting to have bouts of nausea. If I don’t eat then I am nauseous, if I eat too much than I am nauseous….etc…oh, and nothing spicy - It doesn’t sit very well. The bloating still continues so I am not sure how long I can keep wearing my normal jeans. Might have to start unbuttoning them soon.

Also, my boobs ache at night. I have resorted sleeping in a sports bra. Not very sexy but it works! I am also having very vivid dreams that are making me not sleep very well. I think this is caused by all the progesterone. Still only getting up once a night to pee…

I am praying that this is it but I am still so scared of another miscarriage. My first mc was a missed mc at 10 weeks. I just need to make it past that milestone so I can stop with all these crazy thoughts.

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Holding my breath again…

I went in today for another US today (7w2d). The RE immediately zoomed in on the little heartbeat so that made me happy. He did all his measurements and the baby is measuring 2 days behind. He was not worried at all and kept saying that everything looks great. So, I am not really sure what to think at this point. The weekly US were supposed to ease my mind…not make me crazy (crazier). I guess all I can do is wait until next Thursday and pray that the little bugger keeps getting bigger and stays healthy.

The only symptoms I am having are constant hunger and very sore boobs. I have not had any nausea yet. I have a feeling it’s coming though!

Thursday, February 24, 2011


That is the sound of me exhaling.  I have been holding my breath for the week waiting for my first US.  Today we went in and saw one perfect little flickering heartbeat at a rate of 122!  The RE was having a hard time measuring the little bugger because it was huddled up to the edge.  He said everything looks perfect and the measurement he did get was right on track at 6w3d.  My RE said I can call my OB and start getting appointments scheduled over there but I told him I am not ready to leave.  He laughed at me then offered weekly US at the RE’s office until I am comfortable leaving.  Wondering if he will keep me until I deliver? 

Thursday, February 17, 2011

Another year older

I am turning 35 on Saturday and I am not quite sure what I think about that. I think since I got my BFP it is making this birthday a little easier to handle. I think being 35 and having a baby puts me in to the old lady high risk category. O’well – hopefully it means more scans and US along the way!

A little update on me…no more spotting since Sunday! I have been taking it pretty easy this week. I have to wait another week until my US. Holding my breath until then!

Monday, February 14, 2011

I started the weekend on a high from my beta results but that quickly came to an end on Sunday when I started spotting.  I took it easy yesterday (didn’t move my ass from the couch) and the spotting has stopped (I think).  I have a call into the RE but I doubt they will be able to tell me anything this early in the game.  So here I am, holding my breath until my US on the 24th

Friday, February 11, 2011

3rd Beta

Yep - the third beta says I'm still pregnant!  It went from 122 to 280 to 644!  I think I can take a deep breath and enjoy Valentines weekend!  I am making dinner for hubby to celebrate! 

I hope everyone has a great weekend!

Thursday, February 10, 2011

With this BFP I should be feeling ecstatic / over the moon happy and all I can do is worry - Being an infertile has taken that away from me. After having two miscarriages and knowing all the things that can happen these first couple weeks, months and beyond has really put a damper on being blissfully ignorant and happy. It makes me really hate infertility. I should be enjoying every twinge and the lower back pain but all I can think of is that it might not last. I know I am very lucky to have this BFP and I am so grateful for it I am just really nervous.

At least I get a third beta tomorrow! That should maybe get me through the weekend!

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Oh thank God it doubled!

The nurse just called with my second beta number….280! That’s more than doubling in 48 hours! I also talked her into a third beta on Friday!

This pregnancy is starting off better than my last! Let’s hope it stays that way! I am a nervous wreck and probably will be for the next 9 months.

Monday, February 7, 2011

Beta #1 at 9dp5dt

Is 122…I will be holding my breath until Wednesday praying it doubles.  I feel like this number is a bit low.  Can any of you share what your betas were for some reassurance? 

Here is what I did all weekend…

Yes – I know it’s a bit excessive…but I am infertile and it only makes sense to piss away about $70 in HPT for my sanity. This picture is actually missing a couple of the super early tests that I threw away because we had people coming over to the house and I didn’t want them to find them.

Today is my first beta so I am praying it’s a good number. I am obsessively checking the TP every time I pee! I am so happy yet so scared. I have been here before and it has ended so badly. I am having a hard time accepting this BFP with all my heart because I know it can be taken away from me at any moment.

I received a surprise gift package in the mail from Hannah at Life Happens this weekend! She sent me the best TWW gift of fun stuff! It made my day. As I read her card I burst into tears! This blog has led me to the most fabulous women and I am so thankful for each and every one of you! I couldn’t do this without your words of encouragement and support along the way!

Wednesday, February 2, 2011


I gave up caffeine along with everything else that I enjoy to be as healthy as can be for IVF! It has not bothered me until yesterday. I am so f’n tired that I can barely keep my eyes open. I have to assume that it’s from all the progesterone. I am a walking zombie at work…so tired that I am a little worried that I am going to fall asleep in my next meeting. That is so not professional! I hope this is a sign for good things to come. I wouldn’t mind being so tired if it was because I was cooking a baby!!!

I hope all my blog friends in the Midwest are staying warm today! I can’t imagine such cold weather to deal with!!

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Is 35 over the hill?

I really can’t believe that I am turning 35 this month. It seems so old to me. I keep thinking back to when I was a kid and I thought 30 was really old and now I am turning 35. The kicker is that I still think of myself as 25 and I think I still look like I’m in my 20s also. People are always amazed when I tell them my age. I think I would win a prize at the state fair with the old lady guessing ages – she would be way off.

I keep telling my hubby that I want to do something cool for my birthday. But the truth is all I want is a BFP. (If this IVF works) which I will know before my birthday than I don’t want to do anything fancy. If it doesn’t then I want the works to help me forget that I am 35 with no baby (oh and I will probably get really drunk!)

Getting old blows a big fat one…

Sunday, January 30, 2011

Just a quick update...

I went in for my ET on Saturday monrning.  We showed up at 8:30 for our 9:30 appointment.  My acupuncturist showed up and treated me for 45 min before the procedure and about 30 min after!  (yes, I am willing to try anything at this point).  I took my valium 30 min prior to the procedure.  All this time they don't tell you anything...so I am assuming everything is still going well with my fertilized embryos.  I walk back into the room and they call the babysitter (that is the dr that deals with the embroys) and he gives us a pretty good report.  Of the 11 that fertilized we have four excellent blasts and two that are about a day behind.  So we transfered two and will freeze four!  At our last IVF we had four excellent blasts.  So I guess I am very happy but I have been here before with the same results and not gotten my BFP.  I guess I just need to keep chilling on the couch and try not to count the days until my Beta. 

I will leave you with a picture of Costa and Rica...(these little ones will hopefully be the reason we don't get to go on our vacation to Costa Rica this year!) 

Friday, January 28, 2011

A Good Report from the Dentist!

Let me start off by saying I have always gotten a good report from my dentist! That is until I started fertility treatments. Two out of the past three cleanings they have noted that my gums bleed. It just so happened that both of those cleanings were after my miscarriages when I was going through my 10 IUIs.

Looks like this article might have some explanation for me. Seems like Clomid can cause sensitive gums and bleeding.

I went in for my dental cleaning today fully expecting a bad report but she noted that everything looked great and I didn’t have any bleeding. I was a little surprised because I am on all sorts of estrogen, progesterone, and other meds for IVF. I always thought it was all the hormones left from the miscarriages that caused the bad dentist report…I guess it was just the Clomid.

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Just got my fertilization report!

Out of the 17 retrieved, 13 were mature, and 11 fertilized. I am scheduled to go in on Saturday for a five day transfer. Now I just need these little ones to keep kicking until then! I called my acupuncturist to see if she can go in on Saturday with me! I think that will help me relax and it can’t hurt to increase blood flow to that area! Please send me good vibes Saturday morning at 9:30 during my transfer!!! I can sure use them!

Monday, January 24, 2011


I went in to the RE at 7:00am this morning for my ER. I was the only one getting this done today so I had all the attention of the staff which was nice. They retrieved 17 eggs which is a little higher than I initially thought so that is good. I will get the fertilization report tomorrow so keep your fingers crossed that they were all mature and ICSI worked!

I have been feeling pretty good…some cramping and tenderness but the Tylenol with codeine seems to be working! I will be back at work tomorrow. My hubby has done a great job taking care of me today! A girl can get used to this!

Thursday, January 20, 2011

If slow and steady wins the race than I am a looser!

I have been in for my monitoring appointments every day this week. They have me on 20 units of Lupron am and pm, baby aspirin, and 450 units of Follistim. When I went in for my first US on Tuesday the doctor said that I was going fast. My follicles were measuring double what he expected. WTF does that mean. I was a little confused. The RE doing the US is the old man dr that doesn’t really say much so I left with minimal information. I was assuming they would back off my meds if I was going that fast but I was wrong. They kept me on the 450 of Follistim. The next morning at my US I asked the old man RE what the deal was. I asked if going too fast meant bad egg quality or if they were going to cancel me. He said…and I quote “fast is good, super fast is bad and you are just fast.” So I guess I am ok? They have not reduced my meds yet. My ER date has moved from next Thursday (27th) to this Sunday or Monday. I guess that’s ok with me…my ovaries are hurting already and I am so bloated. I can’t wait to spend the weekend in sweat pants! I think they will retrieve about the same number as last time. 15ish…with about 10 or so being mature. Not too bad…I just hope they are good quality.

Happy Weekend to everyone! I will let you know how my ER goes!

Monday, January 17, 2011

The Great Shot Debacle

I have been on Lupron since the 13th – 20 units am and pm. They have been no big deal…hardly even hurt. Saturday night I added 450 units of Follistim. I have been on follistim many times before so we are old pros…or so we thought…

As most of you know the follistim cartridges hold about 425 units of meds. With my dose at 450 I would need two shot. No big deal right?

Well sweet hubby gave me my lupron injection without a hitch. It didn’t even hurt. Then he cranked the follistim pen to 450 and stuck me. Half way through the shot he pulled the shot out saying it was slipping out and he needed to restart – I was thinking wtf another injection??? So he restuck me and finished with the 425 of Follistim. So I suggested changing needles since he has already stuck me twice with that one. I figured I wanted a nice sharp one for the last little bit. So he changes needles and sticks me but nothing happens…needle is in but the pen is not injecting the last 25units of the meds…wtf again…

Well, hubby remembered to change needles but forgot to put in the new cartridge of meds. So, I got one more shot…at this point I am laughing so hard that I am crying. The look on Hub’s face is priceless – I can tell how bad he feels causing me more pain than necessary. Hubby is worried that I am crying and not laughing. Oh the joys of injections. Saturday I needed three shots but got five. I guess even old pros have trouble sometimes. At least I got a good laugh out of it.

Wednesday, January 12, 2011


Back to weekly acupuncture appointments and I love it.  I don’t know what it is that makes me instantly fall into a nice deep sleep when I am full of needles but…it could be the peaceful music or the heated bed or the fact that the speaker is attached to the bed so it vibrates along with the bass of the music – fantastic.  So I start my Lupron shots tomorrow am then Follestim on Saturday.  Let’s get this show on the road!  HOLLER!

Monday, January 10, 2011

A funny little story

This is the story of our first month of TTC.  Keep in mind this was over four years ago and we were blissfully innocent.  It all started with a breakfast out one Sunday morning.  We had been married for just about a year and we had the typical conversation about starting our family.  So that day I threw out our BCP and was so excited.  I thought I understood the timing of everything and basically knew what to do.  We had spent plenty of time practicing so I thought I would be one of the lucky ones who got pregnant right away.  We had timed intercourse then about three days after the timed intercourse I felt some twinges in my ovary area and I was sure it had worked.  To the point that I looked at hubby and exclaimed “I think it worked”.  He just laughed at me and we went on our way.  Well it didn’t work.  I had my timing way off and we got busy on cycle day 10/11.  The twinges I was feeling was from ovulation.  I totally missed the window that month.  I still think back to my “I think it worked” comment and giggle.  I guess I didn’t really know my body at all since I was on the pill for 10 years or so.  I had never felt ovulation pain or even really thought about it.  Now that I am off the pill I will never go back on it (not that I will ever need too).  I love knowing my body and feeling what it does and actually understanding it. 

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

I have a plan and it feels good!

So NYE was lots of fun and we probably had one too many cocktails…but we were saying goodbye to a crappy 2010 and welcoming 2011 with open arms. It has to be better than the past two years. We are starting the year off jumping into IVF. My CD1 was December 29 so I started BCP then. I will be on the Flare protocol for this IVF. That is different than my first IVF which was the Antagonist protocol. Change is good right?

Here is my timeline…

Stop BCPs the 9th, US on the 10th, start Lupron on the 13th and Follistim on the 15th. With retrieval the week of the 24th. Typing this out, I just got really excited!

So anyone with experience on Lupron- bring on the stories of the horrid side effects! I hope they are not too bad. I guess I should set up my acupuncture appointments to help with the side effects.

So, I say goodbye to alcohol, caffeine and all the other bad stuff and start popping pills! The RE did say that I can continue working out until I start stims. I really need to drop a couple lbs…


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