Wednesday, March 14, 2012

Dirthday

Dirthday = birth and death in the same day, as defined by fellow blogger at Knocked up Knocked Down


As Gavin’s Dirthday approaches I can’t help but run through the events of the week prior of delivering Gavin in my head. I think about how I felt physically and mentally and it keeps bringing me to tears. I vividly remember the panic I felt the morning after he died. I woke up after a short drug induced nap and freaked out. I couldn’t breathe. It felt like a ton of bricks made of sadness were sitting on my chest and I thought I was dying. I have never had a panic attack in my life but I am pretty sure that was what happened and mixed with my low oxygen level I started to hyperventilate. I made hubby call for the nurse but before she came my sweet husband calmed me down and I was ok. I keep remembering the feeling of not being able to breathe and pray that I never have to feel that type of sadness ever again.

I think about Gavin all the time and talk to him about this pregnancy. I guess I have a lot of fear built up now that I am hitting 16 weeks. At week 16 is when things started to go downhill with Gavin and I guess I am scared the same thing might happen again.

20 comments:

  1. Thinking of you! This pregnancy is healthy, everything has been going great, and you will be bringing a sweet baby home this fall!!

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  2. My mind is dark, but I love that word. It doesn't apply to us since Aurelia died almost six weeks before she was born (that is a bit of a mind blow always: die then born).

    Reliving may be hard, but I think it also helps to process and think and all of that. Gavin made a difference in this world and it is not just you and yours whose mind he crosses.

    ALl the strength and good will to you both as the seasons come round again and in this new pregnancy.

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  3. Your little Gavin was everything to you. As he should be. It's natural to think of him at different points in your life and current pregnancy. I am sorry the child you are carrying couldn't have been your second.
    I'm thinking of you and hoping you are feeling good and more confident with each passing week.

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  4. I had a similar experience when I thought I was losing Logan. I've never felt anything like it before or since. I hope you never feel that way again. Things are going well! Every pregnancy is different right? Plus, you have a team of drs that are there to make sure things go smoothly this time!

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  5. Surviving what you did, it's perfectly natural to wonder if the same thing will happen again, at least for me. I remember reading your story in those weeks leading up to Gavin's dirthday. My heart is heavy with the thoughts of what you must have felt. You are so strong to be forging ahead.

    Praying this pregnancy is a happy healthy full term one. Sending the hugs your way. Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers, always!

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  6. my heart goes out to you as this day approaches. you are such a strong woman. never doubt that. i just know that gavin is looking down from heaven with love and watching over your little one. he will always be with you. big hugs!

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  7. Hang in there...This one is different and Gavin is watching over his baby sister/brother.

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  8. Thinking of you. I'm sure your heart is so heavy right now with the Dirth day approaching, and where you are right now. I know it must be full of so many emotions. My heart goes out to you.

    Hoping so much that something like that never happens to you again.

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  9. Hoping that this squatter continues to stick.

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  10. May you have nothing but good health and happiness with this pregnancy.

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  11. You have every reason to be anxious, but just remember that Gavin is always with you in spirit and will comfort you. Baby squatter is tucked in nice and cozy and will be just fine. :)

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  12. Reading this made me cry for you, I can't imagine your pain. I am thinking of you of ten and praying for you and your baby!

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  13. Thinking of you! Sending prayers and positive thoughts your way!

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  14. Thinking of you and sending prayers your way. I can't imagine the pain you must be feeling but please know you have a lot of wonderful people thinking of you and Gavin!

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  15. Thinking of you. I know this must be scary... I really like the idea of you talking to Gavin about this pregnancy.

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  16. Thinking of you and sending lots of love your way. I know this must be a tough time. ((hugs))

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  17. Big hugs, sweetie. I'm thinking of you. xo

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  18. I hope you never have to experience that pain again. And I'm glad you are talking to Gavin throughout this. He is there to protect you I think.... I had a lot of fear during my late teens and early twenty weeks as well, but I think I'm starting to turn a corner to feeling a bit more at ease. Everday is a challengin in some ways and I haven't even experienced the loss that you have, so I feel like you're doing a good job! Keep it up!

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  19. I can't even begin to imagine how you are feeling but I am thinking of you nonetheless and wishing for a very uneventful few weeks so you can get past this hurdle and into a brighter phase of your pregnancy without that fear hanging over you. I think it is lovely that you speak to Gavin, I am sure he is close by holding your hand. xox

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