Heavy Heart

I was waiting to post until after my level 2 US last Tuesday but a lot has happened between now and then. I fell asleep Monday night a nervous wreck because I was worried what the DR was going to say. Well, I never to made it to my appointment. Monday night around 10pm I woke up to a gush and that was just the beginning.

My hubby and I headed to the ER again and I should have clued in how serious this was by how fast we were seen in the ER. The waiting room was packed and I was in a private room being treated within three hours. The US showed that my baby was still alive and they couldn't tell me where the blood was coming from this time. The ER admitted me to Labor and Delivery around 4am. All the details are very fuzzy but here is the gist of it. I was having contractions and my cervix was effaced already. The high risk OB put me on a Mag drip to stop the contractions I was having in hopes of stopping labor. The Mag drip has some major side effects and I managed to get every one of them (I'm just lucky like that). I also had the signs of pre-eclampsia which included high blood pressure, swollen feet and hands. They started to ween me off the mag drip early because the contractions did stop. However, they completely stopped the meds on Thursday after I was experiencing severe chest pains and very low 02 levels. It didn't take long for my contractions to come back and there was no stopping them this time.


Thursday night I was having contractions and still having a really hard time breathing. My chest felt like I had torn every muscle around my lungs and I really hurt to breathe. I was on oxygen and still felt like I couldn't catch my breath. I requested pain meds that helped with the heaviness of my chest but did squat for my contractions. So, I did what any girl would do and asked for something stronger for the pain. The contractions were getting more painful and closer together. Around 11 pm I started bleeding heavily and my husband called the nurse in. I looked at my hubby and said that this was it. The nurse cleaned everything up and told me they called in the OB and to hold tight until she gets here. My body didn't get the message and I told the nurse I couldn't wait. She had me push and instantly our little baby came into the world. He was perfect – 6.3 oz and 7 – 1/4” long. We named him Gavin William. He was with us for almost an hour before he passed and although obviously devastated, we are grateful we were afforded even a moment to look upon him, hold him and tell him how much we love him.


The OB arrived shortly after and checked me out. My hubby was over with Gavin and once they cleaned him up they laid him on my chest. It was unreal to hold my tiny son. At this point I was a little annoyed that I had asked for the additional pain meds - I was a little fuzzy. It was also hard to talk to Gavin because of the oxygen mask. I would take it off to talk but then I was not able to breathe so I had to keep putting it back on. I'm sure all the crying didn't help.


On Friday we were able to spend more time with Gavin. They dressed him in a little knitted blue outfit and brought him in to be with us. It was our chance to privately say goodbye to our son.


On Friday, they were still worried about my recovery and blood and blood oxygen levels. They thought I might need a transfusion. Thankfully my levels were rising slowly so I got out of that one. I am now anemic and have a prescription for iron pills. I had to stay on the oxygen until Saturday morning. I was able to go home on Saturday which was bitter sweet. I felt so empty leaving Gavin at the hospital.


That is all I can write now...it has been a draining week – physically and mentally. Sorry it sounds like a third grader wrote this but it was really hard to type through the tears.


Thank you for everyone who kept checking in with me this week. I truly appreciate your love and support!