Monday, May 30, 2011

I'm just mad

Why does everyone keep telling me that I am doing so great and that I am so strong? They talk to / see me for maybe an hour and they seem amazed that I can hold it together and not burst into tears while they are here. What they don't see me crying myself to sleep every night or hear me crying in the shower every morning. They don't get how hard it was to pick out an urn or pick up Gavin's ashes. They have no idea how I am freaking out inside about returning to work. They think they know whats going on just because they ask and all I can muster is an “I'm fine”. In my world, fine is not good. I know I can never explain how I really feel to them so that they understand and I guess I really hope no one truly gets it because that would mean they had to experience what I went through. I don't know...I guess I am in the mad phase right now.

I had a nice freak out the other night – I started to looking into planning a tropical getaway so we could be on vacation during Gavin's original due date in October and snapped - I realized that I don't want a F'n consolation prize of a vacation...I just want my baby. I guess that is just too much to ask.

Health wise I am getting much better. I am actually sore from doing housework yesterday. I guess I have a ways to go before I can go back to the gym. My Body Combat class would probably kick my a$$ right now.

I am also mad at Blogger. It won't let me comment on anyone's blogs right now.

I will post later this week when I am in a better mood.

We dropped off Sprinkles Cupcakes to the Nurses at the hospital last night.  It was good for me to go back there.  We saw two of the nurses that took care of me and it was nice seeing them again. 

I hope everyone is enjoying their Memorial Day!


  1. I am so sorry that nothing can bing back your Gavin. Keeping you in my thoughts & prayers.

  2. I'm very sorry things are rough for you. They will be for awhile yet and nobody will truly understand unless, like you said, they went through the same thing. It's good to write out your frustrations, though, and no matter how angry/mad/depressed you get, I will continue reading and supporting you. That's so nice of you to drop off sprinkled cupcakes for the nurses. Despite your mourning, you still manage to show your true heart. A very caring heart.

  3. You are In my prayers. I went through a similar experience with my son Jesse who was born sleeping on April 1, 2008. He was 23 weeks and perfect. I love him so very much. I know exactly how you feel. Everything that you have said I have felt. From the crying in the shower to the fearing going backto work. My sister was pregnant the same time as me as well as five of my co teachers and one of my students parents who's due date was 3 days before mine ( very awkward for all involved) while they all picked out nursery decor I picked out an urn. While they planned there showers I planned a funeral. Needless to say it was a very difficult time in our lives but one of the times you could see the strength in our marriage and commitment to eachother. I was very lucky to have a lot of love that surrounded my husband and I and our son. I have since had a little girl who is about to turn two ( I know her brother asked Jesus for a baby sister). I wanted you to know that you are not alone and you are in our prayers. From the pain of knowing and having been there ourselves we wish you peace and comfort during this time.
    Ps. My milk came in after my son was born and I was told not to let the water run over my nipples in the shower and to use cabbage leaves as compresses to dry up the milk ( tmi I know) I wasn't sure if this was an issue for you but just in case. Sorry for the long post. You are in my prayers.

  4. I'm so sorry, I'm not sure if those words help or hurt, I hope help. I'm thinking of you.

  5. I'm so sorry. I hope that writing it out here helps and I hope knowing that we're out here supporting you through everything helps. I wish there was something I could say or do but I hope knowing that I'm sending all the support I have helps in some tiny way.

  6. Sad:( no words...really although I would love a sprinkeled cupcake!

  7. I'm so sorry, I remember also going through an anger phase when we lost Lily. Really at this point allow yourself to feel whatever emotions you need to. You are such a thoughtful person to take cupcakes to the nurses who cared for you! Continue to send thoughts of love and hope for strength your way ((hugs))

  8. I totally understand. when we lost our baby, people said to me things like "I could never do what you did". I wanted to scream at them and remind them that I DID NOT HAVE A CHOICE!!!! Those kind of comments are so maddening. I think it is good that you are emotional so that you are not keeping things bottled up inside. This is an emotional roller coaster that you are on and I think it is important to feel these things.
    I continue to keep you in my thoughts. Much love to you.
    P.S. If you down load goggle chrome and use that as your web browser, you will be able to comment on blogs. Hope this helps.

  9. I'm so sorry that people don't understand. Keep sharing your thoughts, on here, and in real life. Sending you love and hugs.



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