Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Random thoughts and lessons learned

  • I always knew that I have an amazing husband but going through something like this just confirms that I was right. He was by my side 100% and took the best care of me. People always say that stuff like this can tear a marriage apart but I disagree. I think it brought us even closer together.

  • I now know that we make perfect beautiful babies.

  • I saw how much my hubby wants to be a father and how great he will be.

  • We have an amazing support system – locally and online. Family and friends were checking on us daily. Blog friends were extremely supportive. In the hospital I kept telling my hubby that I need to post a blog about what was going on but I was unable to get online.

  • I am stronger than I thought. I was put through the ringer physically and mentally and I know that I will be OK (someday).

  • I love Gavin more than life, even though I only met him for a short time.

  • People at mortuary's are a little bit creepy.

  • We are having Gavin cremated on Thursday and need to pick an urn.

  • We are going on Vacation in October so we can be somewhere tropical to remember Gavin's original due date.

  • I am having trouble reading and commenting on other blogs right now. I hope this doesn't last too long.

  • I am scared to go back to work after a month off. I don't want them all to see me cry. I am going back after the holiday next week.

  • I am ready to start working out to get my body back into shape and get healthy again. I have been on restrictions since January and have never been this unhealthy in my life.

  • My nurses were amazing and so compassionate. They really made this tragedy a little easier to handle. We left the hospital with keepsakes that the nurses made for us that I will cherish forever. One nurse made a little baby bracelet with Gavin's name on it and another made a plaster of his footprints for us. (any idea on what we can do for the nurses??)

  • The hospital has a loss and remembrance day in October. We will definitely there.

  • Next time (if there is a next time) I am pregnant we will go directly to a high risk OB to be monitored the entire pregnancy.

  • Hospital food really sucks.

  • The hospital had a professional photographer take pictures of Gavin. I can't wait to get them in the mail.

  • I am worried that my milk will come in. Any one know what I should expect?

  • I saw two pregnant ladies yesterday and it didn't upset me. I was actually worried for them and prayed that they have a healthy baby. No one should have to experience any of this.

  • I hate that my body is going back to normal so quickly. I fear that soon there will not be any signs that I was ever pregnant. I guess this one contradicts what I said earlier about working out....I guess I don't know what I want. 


  1. Sounds like you are mentally in a really good place, Jennifer. I can't say I'd be even nearly close to such a good place as you are if I had just gone through what you have. I admire your strength...you are a strong girl!! We are all supporting you 100%. Thinking of you as you go back to work.....

  2. I always knew you were a strong person. I cried and said a prayer for you when I read your last post at 2 in the morning. Please know that we all love you and continue to pray for you.

    I hope the transition back to work will be ok. October will be here before you know it :)

  3. You are an amazingly strong woman. You remain in my thoughts and prayers. Take care of you and your husband. I hope you hold strong to the faith you have and continue tonallow yourself to heal.

  4. I am glad you are blogging and I think you take as long as you need to comment on blogs..we all understand. I can not express to you how amazed I am of your strength and that you are going back to work soon...that must be very unsettling. Your husband sounds great and in healthy relationships it is the hard times that brings couples closer. That is the good thing. Probably the only good thing that happened through this. Have you thought of putting the pictures up on your blog. Other bloggers have done that. It is very private..I am not sure if i would do it. but just wondering?

  5. Hi. I have been following for a while and praying for you. My name is Jessica and I lost a son Samuel at 24 week due to severe early onset pre-eclampsia. I think my husband and I have done remarkably well compartavily to others we know. I feel like you and worry about others and worry about others worrying about me. I know you don't know me but I can just tell our feeling seem similar around our losses from what I have read so if you ever want to email me feel free. My one warning, watch out for the people that don't believe you when you say you are ok when you go back to work. I had one woman ask me and I would say something like, "hanging in there" with a smile and then she would say "NO, REALLY, HOW ARE YOU???" emphasizing all the words. Like I would change my answer or something. I dreaded seeing her.

    Hang in there and know we are all praying for you.

  6. Jen, there are no words to express the sorrow I feel for you, your hubby and Gavin. I commented on your last post (or at least I thought I did), but it got lost in cyber space. Your strength continues to inspire me. I, too, have an amazing husband and agree wholeheartedly that experiences like these bring couples closer together. I think a tropical get away sounds like a great idea and completely support your decision to insist on seeing a high risk OB/GYN right from the get-go. Gavin is truly blessed to have you both as parents. Lots of big hugs!

  7. I can't even imagine what you and your husband are going through but I am so glad you have eachother to lean on. My prayers are with you, I am so incredibly sorry.

  8. You are in my thoughts and prayers. I am so incredibly sorry for your loss and impressed at how strong you are.

  9. You're an amazingly strong woman. What a wonderful list. I'm so sorry this happened to you, and Gavin will definitely be missed.

  10. I am so glad that you are blogging. I found that in those early weeks after we lost our daughter that writing what I was feeling was so helpful to process.
    It is likely that your milk will come in soon. My best advice for that is to find a tight sports bra and wear that for a few days. Having your breasts constricted will help the soreness and help the milk dry up faster. And take pain meds if you are in pain. Warm showers also help easy the pain. Just don't express your milk. This will just lead to more milk production.
    It is such a hard thing to have your milk come in and not have a baby. I understand this feeling.
    If you need any other advice or help, please don't hesitate to contact me. I know that it can be hard to contact people, but I can just listen, or I can offer advice if you need it.
    my email address is alastingfootprint (at) gmail (dot) com.

    You are in my prayers.

  11. Thinking about you in the days and months ahead.

  12. Sending comforting thoughts your way. I am so sorry for your loss. Thinking of you.

  13. I am so glad you have an amazing support system. And you are soooo incredibly strong, I don't know that I could survive something so devastating.
    And I beleive 100% that Gavin must have been just beautiful.

  14. Thinking of you. Thank you for sharing this with us.

  15. Hugs..... thoughts and prayers are with you.

  16. Hello, I found you through the link on Marilyn's blog. I am so sorry that Gavin died. I am glad you were able to spend some time with him, had great nurses and have a great support system. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

  17. I'm so sorry to hear about the loss of your sweet little boy. Just wanted to drop in and give you a cyber hug. I lost my first daughter at 32 weeks. I just wanted to tell you that the last thing you said about it bothering you that your body was returning to normal so fast and there will soon be no sign you were pregnant. Well, that was hard for me too. I was so angry when I had to get dressed the first time I left the house (to meet with the funeral home), I got dressed and looked in the mirror and felt so mad. I hated my flat tummy. I saw a counselor a few times and once she asked me how my body changes during pregnancy was affecting me. Like the signs that I HAD been pregnant would be upsetting. I snapped at her that I was already back to my old weight and my stomach was flat and I hated it. So don't worry about feeling like you are contradicting yourself. Nothing about this is normal. Take care and I would like to follow your story.

  18. Oh, and when my milk came in I used a binder, ice packs and some Tylenol for the pain from the engorgement until it dried up.

  19. I just want to let you know that we're here for you. Take as much time as you need to recover. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

  20. I've been thinking about you and keeping you in my prayers. I'm so glad to hear that your hubby, friends, and the hospital staff were supportive.

    It was a long time ago when I was a nurse, but I do have some suggestions for you on some ways you can recognize them. As simple as it sounds, I'd suggest getting dinner/breakfast for the nurses on the unit-it's hard for them to leave the floor and get anything other than the not so yummy hospital food; nothing fancy, take out from something local would be much appreciated. cupcakes would probably also be appreciated. Sending a card to the nurse is always appreciated; I still have cards from years ago that patients sent to me. Another suggestion-send a letter to the hospital administrator letting them know what exceptional care you received-usually the doctors get the kudos, so this is always appreciated-and the nurses do get recognition.

  21. I just wanted to let you know that I'm still thinking about you. And wishing you strength (*hugs*)

  22. You are SO strong and you can also allow your self to be weak when you need to be. I am happy to hear a bit of humor in your writing. Sending you big hugs and peaceful thoughts.

  23. Here from LFCA, and I just wanted to say I'm so sorry for your loss. Although the hurt won't go away, I hope it gets easier to function with time. good luck going back to work!

  24. Saw your news on LFCA, I'm so deeply sorry to hear of your loss. My husband & I lost our daughter after conceiving via IVF at 23wks into my first pregnancy and reading your post so many of the things you said rang true for us as well. Our relationship also grew stronger going through the grief of losing our first child. In terms of your milk coming in, I was told to wear a bra at all times, a tight fitting one is best. This will help as your breasts may become engorged when the milk comes in. It was painful but then after a week it started to get better. Here is a link from glow in the woods on how to stop lactation as well...
    I know it's impossibly hard right now but you will survive and all of us will be here to support and encourage you as you move forward. Sending so much love, hope, and strength to you & your husband ((hugs))

  25. Visiting from LFCA. I'm so sorry for your loss ... I'm abiding with you.



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