Sunday, May 22, 2011

Heavy Heart

I was waiting to post until after my level 2 US last Tuesday but a lot has happened between now and then. I fell asleep Monday night a nervous wreck because I was worried what the DR was going to say. Well, I never to made it to my appointment. Monday night around 10pm I woke up to a gush and that was just the beginning.

My hubby and I headed to the ER again and I should have clued in how serious this was by how fast we were seen in the ER. The waiting room was packed and I was in a private room being treated within three hours. The US showed that my baby was still alive and they couldn't tell me where the blood was coming from this time. The ER admitted me to Labor and Delivery around 4am. All the details are very fuzzy but here is the gist of it. I was having contractions and my cervix was effaced already. The high risk OB put me on a Mag drip to stop the contractions I was having in hopes of stopping labor. The Mag drip has some major side effects and I managed to get every one of them (I'm just lucky like that). I also had the signs of pre-eclampsia which included high blood pressure, swollen feet and hands. They started to ween me off the mag drip early because the contractions did stop. However, they completely stopped the meds on Thursday after I was experiencing severe chest pains and very low 02 levels. It didn't take long for my contractions to come back and there was no stopping them this time.


Thursday night I was having contractions and still having a really hard time breathing. My chest felt like I had torn every muscle around my lungs and I really hurt to breathe. I was on oxygen and still felt like I couldn't catch my breath. I requested pain meds that helped with the heaviness of my chest but did squat for my contractions. So, I did what any girl would do and asked for something stronger for the pain. The contractions were getting more painful and closer together. Around 11 pm I started bleeding heavily and my husband called the nurse in. I looked at my hubby and said that this was it. The nurse cleaned everything up and told me they called in the OB and to hold tight until she gets here. My body didn't get the message and I told the nurse I couldn't wait. She had me push and instantly our little baby came into the world. He was perfect – 6.3 oz and 7 – 1/4” long. We named him Gavin William. He was with us for almost an hour before he passed and although obviously devastated, we are grateful we were afforded even a moment to look upon him, hold him and tell him how much we love him.


The OB arrived shortly after and checked me out. My hubby was over with Gavin and once they cleaned him up they laid him on my chest. It was unreal to hold my tiny son. At this point I was a little annoyed that I had asked for the additional pain meds - I was a little fuzzy. It was also hard to talk to Gavin because of the oxygen mask. I would take it off to talk but then I was not able to breathe so I had to keep putting it back on. I'm sure all the crying didn't help.


On Friday we were able to spend more time with Gavin. They dressed him in a little knitted blue outfit and brought him in to be with us. It was our chance to privately say goodbye to our son.


On Friday, they were still worried about my recovery and blood and blood oxygen levels. They thought I might need a transfusion. Thankfully my levels were rising slowly so I got out of that one. I am now anemic and have a prescription for iron pills. I had to stay on the oxygen until Saturday morning. I was able to go home on Saturday which was bitter sweet. I felt so empty leaving Gavin at the hospital.


That is all I can write now...it has been a draining week – physically and mentally. Sorry it sounds like a third grader wrote this but it was really hard to type through the tears.


Thank you for everyone who kept checking in with me this week. I truly appreciate your love and support!

69 comments:

  1. I am crying. Tears are streaming down my cheeks for you, friend. I can't get my thoughts together to tell you more. I'm just so so so sorry. I will pray for you. A lot. Just know tears are being shed for you.

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  2. Oh honey I am so sorry you had to go through this. There are no words to comfort you right now, but I can't imagine how special the time was with your son, even though it was way too short. Sending prayers your way.

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  3. My heart is breaking for you. Please know my thoughts and prayers are with you.

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  4. I am so sorry for your loss. I know how wonderful it is to hold your precious child, but at the same time know that that child is going to die. We lost our daughter Emily to placental abruption almost four months ago. What a perfect name for your sweet little man.
    I am praying for you and your husband.

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  5. Oh my heart is breaking. I'm so so so very sorry to hear about your devastating loss. My heart goes out to you, your husband, and sweet precious Gavin William.

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  6. I am so very sorry for your loss. I can't imagine what you and your husband must be going through, but I hope that you do take comfort in each other and in the fact that you were able to hold and say goodbye to your precious son.

    Thinking of you...

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  7. I am so sorry. I am at a loss for words. You are in my thoughts.

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  8. There are no words to express my feelings....I am so sad for you. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers. May you be in God's hands during this sad time.

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  9. I can't express how sorry I am for your loss. You and your family are in my heart and thoughts. I am just so sorry.

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  10. oh jen, no. NO NO NO.
    words can not express the amount of sadness i feel or the amount of love i am sending your way. i love Gavin's name, and im thankful that you were both able to spend time with him. i know im probably the last person you want to talk to, but please know that i care so much and you are not alone. im here if you want to talk.
    xoxo
    lis

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  11. Oh my dear friend, my heart is breaking for you! I am so sorry for you loss. Baby Gavin knows how much he is loved by his wonderful parents. Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.

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  12. I am so so sorry to hear this sad news. I know the last few weeks have been hard on you and I wish more than anything for a different ending for you and Gavin.
    I found after we lost our baby last year, there were so many people to lean in this community. I cry just thinking of about the love and kindness that found its way to me. I am hoping for the same for you. We are here for you. Please feel free to email me if/ when you are up for it cgd.adventures@yahoo.com
    much love to you, I am holding sweet Gavin in my heart and thoughts....

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  13. I'm so sorry. :( Thinking of you guys.

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  14. I am so sorry.. my heart goes out to you and your husband and little Gavin. I will say a prayer for all of you tonight.

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  15. Jennifer...I am so so so sorry for your loss:( I cannot begin to imagine how you feel and I am so sorry that I havent commented or kept up on your blog better. My heart is breaking for you and your family. I will be keeping you in my prayers. Hugs

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  16. Oh... Shit! Sorry for swearing but this is so horrible. I am just crying znd so sad you and your husband had to go through this. Life is so precious:(
    I hope only the best for you...
    Hugs:(
    Marilyn

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  17. Oh no... I was really, really hoping that despite all the problems, everything would go ok for you. I am so so sorry for your loss. Don't blame yourself for the pain meds. I hope you have lots of people looking after you in real life as well as online. xxx.

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  18. Oh, I am so so sorry for your loss. I know the past couple of weeks have been tough but I had hope that everything was going to work out in the end. I am sending you all the good thoughts that I have... HUGS.

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  19. I am so sorry for your loss.

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  20. Oh no,no,no. I am so very very very sorry for your loss, that you went through that heart-wrenching experience. Ugh, I am just so sorry, it's hard to put into words. (((hugs)))

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  21. I don't even know what to write, Jen. I am so incredibly sorry for your loss. I can't imagine the pain - both physical and emotional - that you had to endure. Please know that you and your husband are in my thoughts and prayers. My heart breaks for you.

    xoxo

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  22. I cannot imagine what you are going through right now. I am so incredibly sorry for the loss of your son.

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  23. I am so terribly sorry. This just can't be right or fair. Sending you love & peace. I will be thinking of you. *huge hugs*

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  24. Oh honey I am sorry. I am crying my head off right now. I so very happy that you and your husband were able to hold your beautiful baby boy. My heart is broken for you guys. Sending you love and peace my sweet girl. xoxoxo

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  25. Jennifer I don't know what to say. I am so sorry for you and your family. My thoughts and prayers are with you. xoxox

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  26. I am so sorry for your loss. You and your husband are in my thoughts and prayers.

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  27. I am devastated for you :( No words other than I am so so sorry for your loss and pain. You will be in my thoughts.

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  28. This is so heartbreaking. I am SO SO sorry for your loss. You are in my prayers. I wish I knew something better to say....

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  29. My heart is aching for you and your family. I wish I could do something to take your pain away. It is so cruel that you have had to go through this. Sending you ((HUGS)).

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  30. My heart is broken. I don't know if I can say anything else right now, because my heart is truly broken. I am so so so sorry.....

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  31. Oh my dear, I am so, so sorry. My thoughts and prayers are with you!

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  32. There are no words. I am thinking of you and sending you hugs.

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  33. I am so, so sorry. I can't even begin to express my feelings and I wish there was something I could say to help you. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

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  34. am so incredibly sorry that this has happened to you. My thoughts & prayers are with you.

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  35. I am so incredibly sorry for your loss. Sending thoughts and prayers your way.

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  36. I am so so so so sorry for your loss. My heart breaks for you, and the unfairness of it all. Many thoughts and prayers to you.

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  37. I am so sorry for your loss and for everything you went thru & are going thru. This is just heartbreaking. Keeping you in my thoughts.

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  38. How unfair, my heart hurts so much for you and your husband right now. I'm so terribly sorry that this happened to you. I bet Gavin was just precious, and I'm glad that at the very least you were able to hold him before saying your goodbyes. You are in my thoughts and prayers. xoxo

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  39. I'm so so sorry to hear that. I'll be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. What a beautiful name for your baby boy.

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  40. I am so very sorry. I cannot imagine the depth of your heartbreak. I am grateful that you had the time you did with him, but ache for you that it could not be the lifetime you had dreamed about. Thinking of you...

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  41. I'm so incredibly sorry for your loss. Praying you are able to surround yourself with comfort and love during such an incredibly painful time. My heartfelt prayers are with you and your family.

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  42. Nooo! Oh, I am so so sorry! (*hugs*) My thoughts are with you. It's not fair :(

    I am glad you got to spend time with him, and it's a beautiful name. But I am so sorry that this happened.

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  43. I am so sorry you didn't deserve that at all. I am glad you did get to see him and hold him. You are always in my prayers

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  44. Dear Jennifer:

    I'm so, so sorry to hear this. This is absolutely heartbreaking news. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers. Please take care of yourself.

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  45. My condolences to you and yours on the loss of your little boy. Prayers and thoughts to you all as you travel this most difficult road.

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  46. So very sorry to hear of your loss. Sending prayers for strength and comfort your way.

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  47. So very sorry for your loss. Thinking of you and praying for you!

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  48. I am SO SO sorry for the loss of your little boy. I wish there was something I could do to help. I will be thinking of you and praying for you. Please know that you are loved and thought about...

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  49. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers. I am so deeply sorry for your loss.

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  50. So sorry for you loss!! Sending you lots of prayers for comfort in this difficult time!

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  51. my heart is breaking for you. i am so sorry. i can't imagine what you must be feeling. you will be in my thoughts and prayers.

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  52. I'm so very sorry. I was really hoping this wouldn't happen. Sweet Gavin will be missed. Sending you so much love.

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  53. I am so, so very sorry. I was hoping for a much different outcome for you and baby Gavin. I know that there are no words that can make this any better. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Sending you love and hugs.

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  54. I'm so, so sorry. There isn't really anything else to say. Please know that you are in our thoughts.

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  55. Hi, "Come on Baby" is my very bestest friend and I found you through her blog. I am so so sorry! This just brakes my heart. Your in my thoughts!!!! mwah!!

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  56. I am so so so so sorry for your loss. This breaks my heart and I know there isn't much I can say to make you feel any better. Just know that you have a lot of support out here and we will all continue to pray for you and your family.

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  57. Oh my dear, i wish there were words that i could express to tell you how much i am sorry for you and your family. i can't imagine what you are going through, but know that you are in my thoughts and prayers. (Tippy)

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  58. Oh sweetie, I am so very sorry. I wish there was something I could say or do to make this better. Please know you're in my thoughts and prayers.
    xoxo

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  59. I cannot begin to imagine how difficult this must be for you or express how sorry I am for your loss. You and your baby boy are in my thoughts and please know I'm praying for you during this difficult time.

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  60. I am so sorry for your loss. I am crying for you, and please know that I am praying for you and your family.

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  61. I'm heartbroken to read your story.

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  62. Jennifer, My heart hurts so much for you right now, and I write this with tears in my eyes. I am so sorry for your loss and wish there was something that I could say, I can't even imagine how difficult this must be. You and your hubby are in my thoughts and prayers xoxo Kim

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  63. All I can say I'm sorry. Thoughts to you both as well as Gavin.

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  64. I'm so, so, so sorry. :( Praying for you.

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  65. Words can't begin to express how sorry I am. You and your family are very much in my thoughts. There simply are no words. We're, of course, here if you need anything. Please know though that I'm so thinking of you. I'm just so incredibly sorry.

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  66. So, so sorry for your loss. Will be praying for you.

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  67. so incredibly sorry for your loss . . . also sitting here crying. so, so sorry.

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  68. I haven't had the words to express how sorry I am for your loss, but please know that you have another friend and prayer in my corner of the world. Thinking of you and wishing you healing.

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  69. I just came across your blog and read your your past posts. You have been through so much and now this. I know sorry doesn't mean much but I truly am and you and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.

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