8dp5dt

I never thought there was a color whiter than white until I took my HPT tests last night and this morning. There was no hit of color…it was stark white. It was screaming NEGAITIVE, Nada, You Suck, Zero, Looser, Nil, Zilch, Zip, and Denied…

This Fucking Sucks…Beta is scheduled for Friday. Hopefully, the doctor will call with the negative results so I can ask him WHY!

7dp5dt

I still have not tested…I think it’s because I am scared to death of the results. I really need this to be positive but I have a feeling it’s not. I am so in my head today and on the verge of tears because of what the test might say. This really sucks. I hate not knowing but at the same time I don’t want to know. This may break my heart.

I would like to have a symptom or two like sore boobs but I got nothing. For the life of me I can’t remember if my boobs were sore before my other two positive tests. Why didn’t I write this stuff down – wait I probably didn’t because I never thought I would miscarry and have to start all over – again and again.

Sorry for my pity party – I will hopefully be better tomorrow.

6dp5dt

This TWW is going ok so far. I really want to start testing but I know it’s too early – my beta is scheduled for Friday. I think I will buy some test after work and try to hold out until Thursday or Friday. I just want to be prepared for bad news. I have let my hopes get up for this transfer and I need to mentally prepare myself so I don’t crash and burn. I am not sure if this is it for us on the TTC journey. Months ago we said we would give IVF one shot then consider closing this chapter in our lives and figure out where to go from here. Well, our one shot at IVF and FET is about finished. We have not talked about what’s next. I am not ready to make that decision. I guess that will be a conversation for next weekend.

Frick and Frack Are Home!

Yesterday went great! I had my favorite doctor for the transfer! He said both embryos looked perfect. They survived the thaw and are safe and sound in my uterus now! The valium I took before the transfer yesterday worked. I slept the entire drive home and kept dozing all afternoon. I guess that’s what it’s for. I am off today to relax – then back to work tomorrow! I will leave you with a photo of our embryos (Frick and Frack) and my uterus after the transfer. I was excited he gave us a picture. For my IVF transfer they didn’t…

It’s on like Donkey Kong!

I am heading in today for my first (and hopefully only) FET at 1pm. I have two good quality frosties…I think they rated them as AAB? Not really sure – I guess I should learn to ask more questions. They thaw the frosites in the morning. I really hope they are both strong and survive the thaw. I think that is my biggest worry right now. I really want to transfer both!

I am not worried about the procedure today; in fact I think it will be pretty simple. Now if only I could just get the embies to snuggle in for the long haul. I will have my first beta test on the 28th but I am sure I will POAS before then – I am not a very patient person. I guess I will either have a super happy Memorial Day weekend or I will be a total bummer who gets to drink a beer at the bbq.

I have the rest of the day off on bed rest after my appointment. My DH promised to take good care of me! He was not able to go with me for my last IVF transfer (my wonderful sister went) so he still owes me big time for that. I am hoping it’s a trip somewhere so he needs to get off his cute tush and start planning something to make it up to me.

I also took Wednesday off from work. I know I don’t need the extra day of bed rest but what the hell. I have acupuncture Tuesday before the transfer then I will head in first thing Wednesday morning. I am going to spend the rest of the day vegging and watching chick flicks! One of my girlfriends also has the day off so she is heading over to veg with me. It will be nice to have some company. She is a nurse so she will take good care of me!

Is it the extra estrogen?

OK – so I am assuming it’s all the extra estrogen in my system but my sex drive has gone through the roof the past week. It’s to the point that I am having trouble concentrating at work because I want to get home to my hubby! Has this happened to anyone else or am I going crazy. I don’t think my hubby is complaining though. I am really hoping that he is not to tired tonight 

Is it free?

I had my baseline US and blood work done today. Everything looks good so I am still on for the FET next Tuesday. My uterine lining was a 9b. They didn’t tell me my estrogen levels when the nurse called so I am assuming they are normal. I will add progesterone to my whoha staring Thursday. Friday I will start taking the Medrol! The meds for the FET were only $80! I am not used to such a good deal.

When I went to check out at the doctors today, I turned in our signed consent forms for the FET and I told the receptionist that I still needed to pay the $1600 for the procedure. She just smiled and said “you have a credit – don’t ask”. So I didn’t ask and I left. So - now I am thinking that I either had enough money left from my IVF to cover the FET OR they are just so annoyed with me OR they feel sorry for me this ones on the house. Whatever the reason I am grateful!

Waterworks

I survived the weekend. I knew Sunday was going to be a little annoying but it turned out to be a sucky day. It started off really nice with some quality time with dh. Then off to the Casino to meet up with his aunts, uncles, and grandparents for breakfast. It was nice to see everyone. We lost our shorts gambling though. We have lots of nice and new Indian casinos in our area in Az! If you are ever there at 8am on a Sunday Grandma and Grandpa will buy you breakfast! They are too cute. At breakfast DH’s dad said we should stop by his house because their family dog Sadie was not doing well. She has had some health problems so I wasn’t surprised but it’s really hard for us. This is the cute white lab that my dh bought in collage. She lived with us for years (while dh and I were friends and roommates – another post for another day). Dh had to move in with his parents about 7 years ago and Sadie stayed with them and became the family puppy. I walked into the house after breakfast and the waterworks started. It was so sad to see her lying there still wagging her tail but in obvious decline. She was not eating or drinking. I am not usually a very emotional person so I am going to blame the weepy waterworks on all the estrogen I am on. My dh told me last night that his dad didn’t know what to do with me because it was so out of character. They took her to the vet to have her checked out. The vet said to try a round of antibiotics so they kept her over night to rehydrate. As of yet there is no improvement in her condition so dh and his dad are going there after work to make the decision. I feel so bad for them. My dh’s mom passed away three years ago so Mother’s Day is hard on them already and with Sadie being sick it was like a double whammy. Something good needs to happen for this family soon. I hope it’s my upcoming FET!

I did make it over to my mom’s to hang out with everyone for lunch. I need to call her to apologize because I was not in the most social mood. I kind of kept to myself. I was the first one there and when my mom asked where dh was I burst into tears and told her about Sadie. I am still in a bit of shock of why I couldn’t control my emotions. I think everything was just built up inside me and I might have used Sadie as an excuse to let it all out.

I have my US tomorrow morning so I am hoping all my hormone levels are where they should be and then my transfer will be next week! Glad I have something to look forward to.

Blog Etiquette

Since I am new to the blogging world I am wondering about blog etiquette. Should I comment on everyone’s blog I read or only when I really have something to say? How do I respond to comments on my page? How often should I blog? I don’t want to annoy people but I think I have a lot to say – even if only I think it’s interesting. I also find myself censoring my blogs. I am not a very sappy person and I try to add emotion in my writing so everyone doesn’t think I am a crazy emotionless b!tch. I think I censor myself because it’s mostly females in this community. I have always been the girl with mostly guy friends - It always takes me a while to warm up to girls. Not sure why. I also curse like a sailor when I am upset or annoyed. I guess that part is coming so get ready.

Going through the long journey of IF I have actually become more emotional. It must be from all the extra drugs or the mind f&ck that is the journey of IF. Wonder if my husband thinks I am crazy or now a normal girl?

On a side note, I have been on Estrace straight through from my IFV cycle. It’s making me gain weight like crazy. Is this normal? I have been retaining water and getting a nice spare tire. I am only on the one medication so I have to assume it’s the little estrace bastard that is doing this to me and not the yummy cookies I keep eating. Any tips on staying trim and healthy while going through all this? Please note that I am not complaining and I know this will all be worth it when I get a BFP but it’s really annoying me right now. Two guys at work this week commented that I am looking healthy. I didn’t really take it as a compliment.

Back on the Wagon

I am back on the wagon. No more booze or caffeine. I was not drinking much of either before but it’s now official. I did have couple beers Saturday night and a diet coke on Sunday – it was nice to relax and enjoy myself for the weekend. I am going to be a good girl and get prepared for my upcoming FET. I am even avoiding my allergy medication – which makes for a runny nose and red eyes for the day. People probably think I am boozing because of the red eyes. I wonder if you can OD on Visine?

My acupuncturist gave me an exercise to do to increase blood flow to my uterus to prepare for FET. She said to locate my femoral artery in the groin area. Put pressure on one side with two fingers for the count of five. Release and do the other side for the count of five. Repeat ten times. So, I now lie in bed every night and do this exercise. My husband always gives me a funny look and wonders what I am doing without him!

On another note…I really have mixed feelings about Mother’s Day this weekend. I love celebrating my mom and spending time with her. My DH’s mom passed away three years ago so it’s always a hard day for him. We do spend time with his Grandma to celebrate. Last year I was pregnant for Mother’s Day so it was a happy day for us both. This year I am going to try to focus on my mom and DH’s grandma and not dwell on the fact that I am not a mom. I think it’s much easier said than done. I wish a happy weekend for all of you.