Still Waiting...

We have another four weeks to wait until we meet up with our doctor again. I am curious to find out the results of all our blood work. I think my dh is convinced we have a chromosomal issue. I have no idea what to expect during the next visit. I really hope it’s nothing and something at the same time. I don’t want to find out we have an issue that can’t be fixed but at the same time it would be nice to know why all this is not working. I guess I just need to relax (ha) and wait out the next four weeks…there is nothing we can do right now to change the outcome. We will just keep taking all our supplements hoping they are doing something to help!

We hung out with some friends Saturday night and one of the couples there was friends of a friend. It was their first night out after having a baby two months ago. I made it a point to stay away from her…I didn’t want to hear any of the stories. In fact I don’t even know if they had a boy or a girl. I consider the night a success. We went to a new night club at the casino. We are not night club people but it was fun to people watch. We ended up staying out a little too late and now I am tired at work today. It always takes me a couple days to recover – I need my sleep.

The magic of blogging

I think I get it…blogging that is. I have been blogging for two months now. Before that I was a lurker for about a year. I have never been one to write anything down especially my feelings. I am not a very emotional girl or at least before IF I was not very emotional. I have cried more tears the last three years than I ever imagined possible. Yesterday, I was stressed and emotional at work then I posted about it and all the stress and emotion went away. It was like I put it out there and was able to move past it. I am amazed and now I GET IT! Thank you for the supportive comments. Being an infertile is a special yet sucky club and though I didn’t want to join I am proud to be here with all of you amazing women. This club has led me to find some strong and beautiful women that I would have never met.

On a side note, I realized that my dh is really stressed at work right now and I am totally PMSing. We will chat more about IVF after his work calms down a bit and when I am not overly emotional. I believe we both want the same things in life so I am not going to stress about it now. We still need to see what our test results say before we really plan anything.

I'm in a sad mood...

I think I can tell that Aunt Flow is coming soon because I am very emotional today. Last night we were lying in bed and I mentioned something about IVF#2 possibly starting in three months and my dh didn’t respond how I thought he was going to. He asked if we are for sure doing another and asked me if I would just rather save that money for other things. I said “I thought we were” and his response was “do I get a say in this?” I was crushed and didn’t respond. I guess I thought we were on the same page. It’s all that I have been thinking about today. I’m upset because I figured we would have our second wtf appointment in July to review our test results and give IVF one more try after three months of dh being on all the supplements that may help sperm quality. I just don’t feel I can give up trying to get pregnant yet. I am starting to wonder if going to counseling would benefit us. We are not a couple that fights but it seems like our communication has gone downhill the past couple months. I am the type of person that needs a plan to think about and work towards. I guess if IVF is not our plan I need to know so I can focus planning some other things…like a fabulous vacation and getting the spots on my face lasered off!

Sad Day

Today is the third anniversary of my mother in laws passing. It’s a sad day for the family. We always meet for dinner to remember her. We had started TTC a couple months before we found out she was sick. During the six months she was battling cancer we were desperately trying to conceive so we could tell her that she was going to be a grandma – we failed. Three years later I still feel like such a failure. A baby would bring such joy to my hubby’s family. They need something happy to happen soon and I hope I am the one to bring a bit of joy in their lives. You should have seen how happy my F-in-L was last summer when we told him I was pregnant. Granted, I miscarried at 10 weeks but for a few short weeks I gave them a great gift…a gift of a happy future and a bit of hope.

I know that a baby won’t “fix” anything and that is not my expectation. I just want to help bring some joy into everyone’s life! Especially ours!

WTF Appointment

We went to our WTF appointment on Thursday. The appointment went how I thought it would. Our doctor started reviewing our history of our IVF / FET results and is still shocked why it didn’t work. The embryos were pretty but that doesn’t mean they were healthy or chromosomally normal. The Doctor reviewed some causes and testing he would like us to do…Karyotype (which is the genetic chromosome testing), Thrombophillia disorders, and Autoimmune Disorders. He doesn’t think any of these will be positive but it doesn’t hurt to test. DH only has to test for the Karyotype. We will meet with the doctor again in a month to review all the test results. Barring no major discoveries we will probably try one more IVF in the fall. He gave DH a list of vitamins to take to improve sperm quality (Vitamins E & C, Acetyl Carnitine, and L-Carnitine). I need to head to Hi Health at lunch today! He also gave us an article on Management of Recurrent Early Pregnancy Loss. It’s pretty interesting and goes through all the different causes and clinical considerations/recommendations. Let me know if you would like a copy.

I went to the lab on Friday for my blood draw. Some of these tests are special and need to be frozen and shipped so they couldn’t do it at the doctor’s office. They drew 10 viles of blood from me…I am still shocked they needed so many. I guess it’s good they are being thorough.

Now for the semi good news from the appointment. The first half of our meeting the Dr kept commenting on how great our insurance coverage was. I was a bit confused and wondering why coverage for diagnostic testing was such a great thing. He then pointed out that my chart said I have IVF coverage – what the F#CK? We chatted with their finance guy and he said that when they initially called about my coverage for IVF #1 they were told I was not covered. That is the same thing my insurance company told me when I called. Starting IVF#1 we wrote them a check for $10k. It turns out that they accidently submitted something during IVF#1 and it was covered. So they started to submit everything. I have $2000 a year covered for IVF. I know that doesn’t sound like much but it helps. I now have a $5000 credit at my RE’s. The first $5000 covered IVF#1 and our FET. My hubby thinks it’s too good to be true and we will get a bill from our insurance company in the mail. I think once they say it’s approved they can’t change their mind. We will see how it plays out!

So Blessed!

I am so blessed to have found this blogging community. In the few short months I have been blogging I feel that I have found some true friends. I didn’t realize how much I needed this community to help me with my infertility journey. Thank you for all your support and wonderful comments. A very special thanks to Hannah at Life Happens When You are Making Other Plans…she sent me a card supporting me and it couldn’t have come at a better time. It means so much!

Buttons!

Check out my new Buttons! Just learning how to add them! I just joined the Tuesday Tag Along - sounded fun!

Questions!

I hope everyone had a great weekend! We sure did and I am still feeling the effects from Saturday night today. I am not 21 anymore and I don’t bounce back. We attended my nephew’s high school graduation party. I can’t believe he is heading to collage in the fall - that makes me feel really old. We had a couple beers at the party then headed home…which would have been fine but on our way home our friends called. Their AC went out and when that happens in Arizona you can’t stay at your house until it’s fixed. So, they headed over with their two puppies and we played games and had a few more beers. It was a fun night but it made for a lazy Sunday.

My WTF appointment with my doctor is on Thursday. I have been thinking of what questions I have for him. Here is what I have so far…any suggestions on what I have missed?
1)What additional testing will be done? Chromosomal? Implantation? Estrogen levels?
2)What is his recommendation for us? Try IVF again in three months or what?
3)What can we do to improve sperm/egg quality? Vitamins or acupuncture for both of us?
4)If we move on to IVF#2 what adjustments would be made to my protocol?
5)Can we still enroll in the money back IVF guarantee program? We didn’t do it the first time because we were sure that IVF#1 would work for us. We were wrong!

How Ironic

Infertility is a gift that keeps on giving. I have always had a touch of Melasma (aka the mask of pregnancy) – something I inherited from my mother. Its dark spots on your face – cheeks, forehead, nose and upper lip. I have always referred to these lovingly as my spots. Well, they have gotten darker and bigger this past year from all the hormones. I would wear these spots with pride if they were from pregnancy… but I am on a mission to get rid of them. My self-esteem could really use a boost about now so I started to check into this. There are two treatments…the first is a cream that my dermatologist told me three years ago I shouldn’t use while TTC the second is a fraxel laser procedure and it takes 3-5 sessions. Doesn’t seem like a big deal until I tell you the cost…$700 a treatment. My spots are bad so I am sure I would need all five treatments. We are planning on spending our savings on the next IVF so I guess I will have to live with these spots right now. Someday, I will save enough to get rid of them. Oh the joys of being IF…I wonder if people wonder why I have the mask of pregnancy with no baby?

Time to Celebrate!

Throwing a little birthday party for my puppy tonight…I know “how pathetic”. It’s not really a party. Our friends adopted Blue’s sister so they are coming over so Blue and Taylor can play and us adults will have dessert! Here is a photo of my precious puppies! Blue is the black and white one and Chase is the Aussie.

I really hated being PUPO (pregnant until proven otherwise)

I know that we should try to enjoy our PUPO time during the craziness of treatments but it is my least favorite part. It makes me feel like a total fraud. I may be alone in this feeling but I hate walking around pretending or hoping I am pregnant and making my husband wait on me (which he does really well). All I can think about is how much it sucks that I am a total fake pretending that I am pregnant when odds say that I am not. I don’t want to pretend…I only want to act pregnant when I am pregnant. I want to eat feta cheese and lunch meats until it’s proven that I can’t. Sorry for the rant today…I just have really bad cramps and I feel like I went through IVF and FET just to have a really heavy period. I will be better tomorrow.

I set up my WTF appointment for next Thursday. At least I have something to look forward to! Any advice on what questions I should be asking at this stage in our IF?

BFN

I went in for my beta on Friday and as you can guess it was a BFN. The doctor called me at 5:30pm with the results. He said he was dreading the phone call and is amazed it didn’t work for us. We will be setting up a WTF appointment with him in the next couple weeks to figure things out. He wants to do some diagnostic testing before proceeding with IVF#2. This concerns me a bit…why weren’t these tests done before we shelled out the money for IVF#1? Don’t get me wrong – I “heart” my doctor! He is the most compassionate doctor and I wouldn’t trade him in for the world! I think if I would have started crying on the phone on Friday he would have cried with me. He was getting kind of choked up with the bad news.

DH and I decided that we will meet with him and if he thinks we should give IVF another shot we will after three months. We are going to take these three months to get healthy. We are healthy people who are not overweight and eat ok and work out occasionally but we are going to get serious about it! I am heading to the grocery store after work to load up on fruits and veggies and healthy dinners! We are also thinking of starting the P90X videos. DH bought them a while ago and we have done most of the workouts but we are going to follow the 90 day plan to see if we get some good results! If I am not going to be pregnant this summer I want to at least look hot in a bikini!

I hope everyone had a great Memorial Day weekend. We had some quality time alone and some fun time spent with friends! We got to hang out at a friend’s pool and soak up the great AZ sun!