I hope everyone found their Christmas spirit

It took me a while but I finally found mine and was able to enjoy a great long weekend with hubby and a wonderful Christmas day with family. Reflecting on the ups and downs of IF this weekend, I realized that last year (December 26th) I received a BFP from my 10th IUI then miscarried a week later. I guess that is why I had such a hard time with the holiday this year. I was bleeding last NYE and sat on my couch feeling horrible. I hope this NYE is fun and makes up for last years. I can only look forward and pray that 2011 brings good things for all of us!


We got hubby’s results back from his SA that he had to have redone for IVF #2. Not really sure why they had the need to retest because we had to do ICSI for the last IVF so why make him test again when we already know we need ICSI for this one...sorry…I am getting side tracked. His results are back and they are a bit surprising. Last year his KSM Morphology was at 6% (15% is normal)…now a year later it’s at 0%. Yes, that is a big fat ZERO – WHAT THE HELL? He is taking all his vitamins and we have not changed anything. I am not really sure why the change. I just hope that they can pick out a couple normal swimmers for us to use!

On a side note we took our puppies to the dog park last night. They love it there and are very social with dogs and people alike! My dog Blue instantly found a new bff at the dog park…a little boy who was about 7 years old or so. Blue didn’t leave his side and tired himself out playing fetch with this boy. It brought a tear to my eye that my dog loves kids so much. I had to ask the little boy to walk us to the door when we were leaving because Blue wouldn’t come with me. The kids dad asked when we would be back at the park so they could play together again. So sweet!

My Boy Blue!

Not Feeling it...

Has Infertility has stolen my Christmas spirit this year? I am not exactly sure what’s going on…here is a list of possible reasons why I am not feeling into Christmas…


• Because last year I was so sure that this Christmas I would have an extra stocking or two to hang and that didn’t happen

• Because it’s hard to decorate when there won’t be any gifts under the tree. (We decided to get a new computer for our Christmas gifts instead this year)

• Because our vacation took all our energy and there is none left to put up a Christmas tree

• Because our family tradition of spending Christmas Eve with my family will not happen since my parents are on a two week cruise

• Because the high weather temps for the week of Christmas is going to be in the 80s

I guess it really doesn’t matter why. We decided against decorating for the holiday. I just need to focus on getting AF in two weeks so we can all the RE and start on BCPs for IVF #2! This next cycle is so close yet I feel so distant from it. I’m not excited or scared or anything in between – I’m indifferent. Wonder if that is a normal safety precaution that my brain is doing so I can’t get hurt again.



Hmm…I just reread this and it sounds like I need an attitude adjustment before starting IVF…I need some positive thoughts. I will work on that.

Fully Rested and Back to Work!

Oh how I have missed you guys!  It’s been a wonderful break from the real world but I guess we all have to come back sometime.  Our trip to Italy was fabulous – better than I imagined!  We stayed in Rome and visited Florence and Pompeii.  It was the type of vacation that tired you out with all the walking and sightseeing but I loved every second of the history and all the beautiful sights.  Oh, and the food was wonderful and we also drank lots of wine!  Highlights from the trip included a private tour of the Vatican/St Peter’s and the Colisseum.  We were able to get in to see the Sistine chapel an hour before it opened to the public.  It was us + our tour guide and one other couple in there and it was magnificent (almost indescribable).  The Catholics sure had a lot of money and did it up right!  We signed up for a group tour at the Colisseum but we were the only ones so it ended up being a private tour.  That was a nice perk because we went off season.  The weather was good…highs of 60 with a touch of rain.  Another wonderful thing I noticed about Italy…there were no pregnant ladies.  Not sure why – maybe I was having too much fun to notice or maybe the baby craze has not hit Europe yet.  I didn’t think about IF at all during our trip!  I will leave you with a few photos from the trip!!!

At the Trevi Fountain

Inside the Colisseum

                                                      

Inside the Colisseum

Our last Gelato of the trip (so yummy)

Bad Blogger...

I am such a bad blogger. Work has been very busy – which is a good thing but I am totally slacking on posting, commenting and reading blogs. I just want everyone to know that I am still following your stories. I guess I also have to apologize for the next three weeks while I am at it. I will be busy trying to get everything wrapped up at work then we leave for our trip. After our trip we both took an extra week off for a nice relaxing staycation! I am going to try to stay away from the computer until I return to work December 13th. I hope when I return there are lots of BFP out there!


On a side note…I now have a daily reminder at work of what I don’t have once again…a coworker just announced she is expecting No. 2. She is due in July so in my calculations she is about 8 weeks along. A little early to announce if you ask me…I guess ignorance is really bliss.

My Company just started an employee interest group…it’s for working families. I guess I am not invited to this one. Oh wait…the flyer said aunts and uncles are invited. Wtf – I will be avoiding this group like the plague.

Happy Thanskgiving to everyone out there...I hope you find lots of joy in this holiday!  Chat with you soon!

Does the RE remember me?

I talked to the IVF nurse yesterday! I have to confess that it was kind of nice…I guess I have missed the people at my REs while on this long break. I now have a plan again and boy does it feel good. All my testing is up to date at the RE. The blood work and saline sonograms are good for a year. I had them all done in March before my last IVF so I am good to go! The only thing that needs to be repeated is a semen analysis for hubby. He was not very excited when I told him that last night. The nurse told me to call when AF shows up in December so I can start my two weeks of BCPs. Knowing my luck AF will show up the last day of December. Not really that big of a deal but I was hoping to be on BCPs in December so when January rolls around (and my insurance kicks in) I can start with injections and monitoring right away. I did ask if I could start BCP after my Nov period but they won’t suppress for that long (4 weeks) and they don’t schedule IVFs or do any monitoring in December. I guess it’s ok for my RE to take the holidays off. I need to realize that I have zero control over this and just go with the flow…hahaha…I will never be able to go with the flow…



On a side note we have a busy weekend planned. Yes – I know it’s only Tuesday but all I can think about is the weekend. Saturday night we are having friends over to watch the ASU/USC game (GO DEVILS) to celebrate my hubby’s 35th birthday! I am still in shock that hubby (with me not too far behind) is turning 35. I used to think of 35 as old…now I think of it as a great age but my RE might beg to differ.


A friend who is coming over Saturday just emailed me to ask if they can bring another couple with them. I responded “of course as long as she is not pregnant” – I was joking of course. I only said this because they were recently married.

Can you guess my friends response? Yep – you guessed it…her friend just found out she is 8 weeks pregnant. Why am I not that fucking lucky?

AF Screws me Again

As I sit here waiting for AF to show up I am fuming.  I am not fuming because I have all the signs she is on her way so I know there is no miracle baby for us this month.  I am fuming because this cycle was 32 days long not the normal 28.  Sounds like no big deal but now this bumps my next visit from AF into my Rome trip.  I had it all calculated out using a 28/29 day cycle when we planned the trip a couple months ago and now AF has screwed me again.  This totally blows and there is nothing I can do about it.  I know it’s not the end of the world but it annoys me that AF is going to screw up the one fun thing I have planned while we are on a break.  I was hoping not to think about IF at all on my trip but now I will have to deal with this. 

I guess I need to look on the bright side – only four more weeks until my trip.

October ICLW!

Happy ICLW to everyone! This is the first time I have participated in this so I am excited. Let me tell you a little about our IF story…


My DH and I have been TTC for four + years now. We are both 34 going on 35 (way too quickly I might add). The first year was spent not really tracking anything – we were just seeing what happens and having fun doing it. Well, nothing happened! We have been tested and my DH has low morphology. I tested fine. We have been through 10 IUI’s. The 7th time was a charm and it worked but I miscarried at 10 weeks in June 09 – we were devastated. My body took a couple months getting back to normal then we started again. We tried a couple more IUI’s and I got a BFP in December 09. At my six week US there was nothing there - another miscarriage. This one was a little easier to handle since it was at six weeks instead of ten. We had to wait for my body and hormones to level out then we started IVF #1 in April 10. I did the standard three weeks of BCP then on to the meds. I responded fairly well and ended up with 14 eggs retrieved, 11 mature, and four perfect day 5 embies. They transferred two AAA embies but I got a BFN. We did an FET in May 10 and transferred our only two frostbabies and got another BFN. Back to the drawing board once again. Over the summer our RE tested us for everything under the sun and everything came back normal. We are on hold right now waiting for the first of the year so my insurance kicks back in to cover part of the next IVF. We are giving it one more shot then we will be on our way to D.I.N.K.s…Dual Income, No Kids. It’s now a scary thought…what if these treatments don’t work. I am not sure how to comprehend that yet. I am going to focus on IVF#2 and not think of what might be if we get another BFN.

During this holding pattern I have been keeping myself busy by planning a trip to Rome in late November! I am so excited and thankful to have something to keep my mind off of treatments for a little bit.

Thanks for visiting and leaving a comment. If you are also starting IVF soon let me know so I can follow your story!

Coming out of the IF Closet

I think I came out of the IF closet on FB on Friday…it felt freeing…until I read the comments left by friends.

I posted this…

“October 15th is pregnancy & infant loss remembrance day. Today we remember all the babies born sleeping, the ones we carried but never had the chance to meet, the precious babies we have held but didn't take home, or the one's that came home but never stayed long. Make this your status if you or someone you love has suffered the loss of a baby. Light a Candle @ 7pm to honor all lost babies.”

Which is no big deal but then people started commenting on my post. One friend said “thinking of you” another said “Love you sister” and a third posted “Love you too…wish we could have met your baby”. WTF – she really just say that on FB? I get that she doesn’t have a clue and is trying to be nice but really…I wish I could have met the two babies I miscarried but I wouldn’t post that on FB. I was very proud of myself for posting that message. I have always been pretty private about my IF story and it felt good sharing that with everyone…the last comment however me the whole thing a bit weird.

An Offer

So we had a great weekend or I should say a great Saturday night. I was a ragging bitch on Friday night and totally ruined our time out. We went to the fancy new casino with hubby’s boss and a couple people from his work. I was in a bad mood from the start and hubby and I were at each other’s throats all night. I would actually like to forget it even happened. I am not usually that moody of a person. I am actually a bit surprised at my behavior. Enough about that…

Saturday we went to my BFF’s son’s first birthday party. I was kind of dreading it because it just reminds me that we were both pregnant last summer together and now a year later she has an adorable baby. When I say adorable I mean adorable…she got lucky – he is the happiest most laid back baby ever. I was also dreading it because her S-in-L is pregnant and due next week. I think my worry about the party is partly why I was such a mental case Friday night. I actually had a great time at the party. I enjoyed the kids there and even enjoyed talking to my pregnant friend. It was good to see everyone. I sometimes separate myself from my friends for self preservation – thinking I am doing the best thing for me but then I see everyone and realize that my friends are also good for me.

After the party we met up with other friends to celebrate two of their birthdays. It was a great dinner catching up with everyone and lots of laughter. We only stayed at dinner until 9:30 or so. Our friend T had to work the next day so we dropped him off and then hubby, myself and A (T’s girlfriend) swung by my BFF’s brothers house. He was having friends over to celebrate his birthday. (I guess October is Birthday month). There we proceeded to have a great time and probably one too many cocktails. My BFF at one point told me she would be my surrogate if I needed her. It was a really generous offer and I actually think she is sincere. She talked to my hubby about it for a while and was crying while she offered. When she told me I kind of laughed it off and said that our issue wasn’t that and we don’t need one. I was not in the right frame of mind and kind of blew her off. I feel bad about that now. I think I will send her an email today with an apology. We got home and to bed around 3 (I think) so Sunday was kind of a wasted day.

Thanks to everyone for their shopping hints on my last post! I have a friend at work taking me shopping at lunch today! Hopefully it helps! I am also planning on shopping in Rome! T- 45 days till Rome!

I need a personal shopper!

Its official…I am not trendy and really suck at shopping. I have been out looking for some cute winter clothes for our Rome trip and I am not having any luck at all. It could be because AZ winter clothes consist of paper thin sweaters and leggings or that I just have no style and really want to be comfortable on our trip. I want to be comfy and cute – is that an option? My hubby has bought a couple things for the trip and he is going to look total GQ and sexy when we go out…I will be the one in the sweatshirt on his arm. I swear that the stores I was in at the mall today had more tank tops than long sleeve shirts. I guess I need to layer my clothes. I am also annoyed that I need to wear flats on the trip. Most all my pants are long and require heals. I guess I have to get a couple pairs of pants hemmed before we go.


Sorry for the rant…I think part of it comes from the extra weight that I have gained while TTC. I am unhappy with my body right now…that makes it even harder to shop. I will shut up now…at least I get to go on a vacation soon! I am a lucky girl!

Celebrities Opening up...

Giuliana and Bill Rancic are openly discussing their infertility. Check out the show on the MyStyle network. I am happy that celebrities are opening up with their struggle. I hope I get this channel. I will have to check tonight.


The Rancic's


I have been extremely busy at work (when I am not googling what to do in Rome). I was in OR for a conference for most of last week and work seemed to pile up while I was gone. While I was in OR Aunt Flo came for her nasty visit. I guess no miracle baby for us this month. AF was a day late so I was really hoping to beat the odds and get pregnant on my own. I know there is no chance of that happening but I can’t help to have a little hope when AF is late. IFV#2 is still planned for 2011. I have been thinking of when I should call my RE and get on their schedule. I think I will call my next CD1 which should be the end of October. That way they can figure out when to start BCP so I can start meds ASAP in 2011.

50 Posts + 50 Followers = 50 Random Things About Me

1) I never thought I would have a blog with over 50 posts and 50 followers. Thanks for helping me along this bumpy road.

2) I am the youngest of four kids. My brother is the oldest and then I have two sisters.

3) I have 12 nieces and nephews

4) I can’t believe that I am one of the lucky ones who actually married their best friend.

5) I am thankful that my entire family now lives in AZ

6) I am the worst decorator in the world. I have no idea what matches and what fabrics look good. Hubby has to decorate our house.

7) I would rather sit on my couch watching TV/movies with my husband then go out on a Friday night.

8) I always feel guilty when the cleaning ladies come to our house and I leave to get a pedicure or go shopping. Not guilty enough to cancel the service though.

9) I change into comfy clothes immediately after work

10) I am amazed that I am turning 35 when I still think of myself as 22

11) I wish I could wear flip flops all year round. Wonder if I can get work to change our dress code?

12) I am a closet coin collector. I love ordering coins and going to mints!

13) I really miss my mother in law who passed away over three years ago. We were close and I feel gypt.

14) I love to cook but I am not very good at it. Bless my husband for always eating what I make with a smile on his face.

15) I love reading US Weekly

16) I just started to enjoy exercising again. It feels great to be back in shape and not huff and puff climbing a flight of stairs.

17) My husband loves it when I change my hair style and color. He is always asking me to go shorter or blonder. I guess I should listen to him.

18) I have never bounced a check

19) My favorite colors are gray and brown. You should see my dull colored clothes in my closet.

20) I am usually a very private person. It takes me a long time to warm up to people.

21) I have decided to take my wedding dress and cut it up to make blankets, ornaments, a Christmas tree angel tree topper, etc out of it. No use in saving it and having it take up space in my closet. (this is on hold – I will only do it if I have kids)

22) I can’t walk into Target and not buy something. That store has a special power over me.

23) I have never had or thrown a surprise party for someone

24) I hate driving. Especially at night or long distances. I make a great passenger though!

25) I want to learn how to knit! I bought all the stuff to start just need to figure it out.

26) I used to read all the time as a kid but I just recently found the love of reading again.

27) I have never run out of gas

28) I can change my own tire but I would first call Hubby to do it for me

29) I love iced tea (unsweetened) and honeycrisp apples

30) My sister is my best friend – my mom is a close second

31) I am scared that this next IVF could be the end of TTC

32) I want a new car but can’t justify getting rid of my car. It runs perfectly and has never had a problem and it’s paid off

33) I have a thing for buying winter coats…wouldn’t be an issue except I live in Arizona. Don’t really need them.

34) I think having a tan helps me look skinnier

35) I don’t listen to the radio when I drive – People usually find it odd that I don’t really care about music or that I don’t have it on

36) I am worried that my 18 year old nephew will have kids before I do

37) I love clean sheet night

38) I write lots of lists to keep me organized

39) My favorite adult beverage is a vodka tonic with a lime

40) Fall is my favorite season

41) I dated my hubby in high school for two months – then he dumped me (a story for another post)

42) If I had to pick three of my favorite movies they would be Braveheart, Armageddon, and Airplane

43) My hair is bone straight.

44) I was conceived in Saudi Arabia but born in Colorado – I’m an Army brat

45) I have big lips…so big that I feel like a hooker when I wear lipstick

46) My parents had me “later” in life. My dad was 42 and my mom was 34. That was considered old in the 70’s.

47) I never really liked dogs until we got our puppies. Now I can’t live without them.

48) I will never go back to school for my masters degree. I am not a fan of school.

49) I have small B cup boobies…I will probably get them enhanced after I have kids

50) If we have to be DINKs (dual income no kids) we will probably sell everything and move to Costa Rica. Live the simple life and travel. Why work so hard in Corporate America if you don’t need to.

Proof

I kept my IF troubles to myself for the first few years. I was a typical IFer that was embarrassed of my IF. I didn’t completely understand it and was still very naive of the whole process. I only told one of my sisters and two friends what we were going through. Some people knew we were thinking of trying or maybe thought we were actively trying but they didn’t know the extent of treatment or what all we were going through.

My mom is insanely very Catholic. So I was a little worried about telling her of our treatments. When our 7th IUI worked we told my parents that I was pregnant around 6 weeks. I am pretty close to my mom so I knew that I wouldn’t be able to keep it from her for much longer and I really thought it would stick. At that time I told her about all the treatments to date and to my surprise she was ok with it all. She asked questions and seemed genuinely interested. It was a huge weight lifted with everything out in the open. Then I miscarried at 10 weeks. She was very motherly and concerned during the miscarriage. I am lucky that she was there to support me and to make her yummy chicken noodle soup. I decided to keep her vaguely in the loop for the last three IUIs, IVF, and FET. I didn’t share every detail with her but she knew the stress I was under and the high cost of the medication. She has offered their financial support if we need it. I think by offering money it made her feel better – like she was doing something to help me in this helpless situation. I really appreciated the offer.

With all that being said…Here is proof that my mom still has no clue…

Last week she forwarded me an email from my ex boyfriends mother. (Yes – my parents still are friends with my ex’s parents. Our dads are in similar lines of work and they meet with each other regularly. This is my ex from high school. We have been broken up for 15 years. Our parents being friends has not really bothered me or my hubby (I hope). We still live in the same city and have a few mutual friends. About once every two years we might run into him at a bar or football game. He got married about 6 months ago so you can probably see where I am headed with this.) Back to the email…of course it announced the news of them expecting twins and how they are shocked because twins don’t run in their family. I am still a little surprised that my mother thought I cared or thought it was a good idea to send this to me at work. It doesn’t matter whose announcement it is I am never really that happy for a very fertile couple that gets the gift of twins. It always makes me a bit of a mental case when I hear a pregnancy announcement.

I guess I can’t expect people to understand if I don’t educate them. I guess I have some work to do with my mother. Maybe she will never get the emotional end to IF and just keep offering me money. I guess I could handle that.

Happy Monday

I want to thank the bloggy friend (whoever you are) that sent my last post to LFCA and all the people who commented on it. I still can’t believe I have been TTC for four years now. It still really makes me sad to think about. All week I have been trying to retrain my brain to only think about the future and not to dwell on the past. I have been doing a pretty good job at it. I think planning our anniversary trip has helped. We finally decided on a destination.




….drum roll please….



WE ARE GOING TO ROME!!! I am so excited! I have never been out of the country (Mexico and Caribbean don’t really count in my mind). Once we decided on a destination it took us days to pick a hotel. There are so many flippen hotels in Rome. It’s hard to get a feel for what is nice in our price range (we didn’t manage to stay in our price range – Rome is expensive and my hubby has good taste). Now that we have a hotel booked right in the heart of the city I am getting really excited. I am going to spend this week picking tours and mapping out what we are going to do (hopefully work will be slow so I can plan). We will be there 7 nights!



On a side note we are back on track with our P90X workouts…we had a two week break because hubby has had an awful cough. He is at the tail end of it so I am really hoping to start back up tonight. I didn’t sit on my a$$ for the two week break (even though I really wanted to). I still managed to work out about three times a week. So, with a trip coming up and working out back on track I should be able to keep busy until the holidays! Off to review our budget - Need to save some serious spending money for the trip.

Happy Anniversary (Not the Good Kind)

Usually anniversaries are spent with gifts and remembering the good times. Not this one. I am not going to give it any satisfaction. I might drink but not in celebration of this Anniversary.

September marks FOUR (yes…four) years of TTC for us. This statement brings tears to my eyes. It’s been a rough four years. I won’t rehash it here…you can see everything on the side bar.

During September four years ago my Hubby and I were out for a weekend breakfast at Village Inn and he told me with a smile on his face to stop taking my BCPs (we had talked about it previously but he wasn’t ready). I was giddy – so excited I couldn’t believe that after a year of marriage we were ready for children. How naive – I was worried about getting pregnant the first month and was a little scared. Well we all know that it has not worked out how I dreamed.

Now all I can do I look forward and hope not to celebrate the five or six year anniversary of TTC.

Questions for you…

Does the length and flow of your period have anything to do with IF?

The reason I am asking is I have always had extremely light and short visits from AF (don’t hate). This month’s visit lasted 2.5 days and it was light flow the entire time. It’s always been like this for me…some minor cramps - nothing that two Motrin won’t cure. I guess I have always wondered if this is a) normal and b) associated with not being able to conceive. My RE tells me my lining is fine during all my procedures so I am not sure what the deal is. I did ask my sister a while back and her AF is exactly like mine and she has four kids – no problems getting pregnant.

So tell me about your visits from lovely AF!  Time for some girl talk…

(Hubby – don’t read the comments if you don’t want to know about this stuff)

Holding Pattern

Since I am in a holding pattern for the next three months I figured getting in shape for IVF #2 is a good idea. The extra 5lbs from being IF really started to get to me. I know it’s not a lot of extra weight but it makes me very unhappy. My workout routine usually consists of a class at the gym twice a week. It’s fine to keep me active (and social) but not enough to actually get in shape or lose any weight. I took the big leap and started P90X last Monday with my hubby. We are a week in to the program and let me tell you these videos are no joke. We are going to stick to the workout plan as close as possible and I am really hoping for some results.

During this holding pattern I also decided to Zap the IF off my face. If you recall I posted here about Melasma. I have it pretty bad on my forehead and nose. I found a dermatologist that will treat this area for $100 a session (I will probably need 4 sessions). This is a great deal for the laser procedure. The only down fall is it only works in about 50% of the cases. I am hoping I fall in that category. I am sick of the spots on my face and the extra weight. I really need to start feeling pretty again soon. The past four years have not done much to help my self esteem. It’s time to fight back with lasers and P90X!

We had a wonderful weekend! Got to see some old friends on Friday night. We ended up staying out a little too late and thank goodness for cabs! I am really looking forward to the long Holiday weekend. I have Friday off so it will be extra long for me! Hmm – what to do? I guess I should start planning now!

Hotties

Does anyone else out there have an infatuation with Firemen like I do? I seriously get giddy when I see them. It just so happens that they like to shop at the grocery store by my house. The other day I was literally following them around the store with a cheesy grin on my face feeling like I was 14 years old totally crushing on them. I was actually trying to think of a way to trip or faint so they would rush to my aid. I decided against it because I am not a very good actress.

Destination - TBD

Thank you all for your comments. Some of you are such world travelers with a wealth of knowledge.

I think we want to travel and not vacation…as much as I love sitting on a beach somewhere warm I think it’s time to go on an adventure. We are leaning towards England and Italy*. I love the old architecture and all the history. I think the beer in England and the food in Italy will be amazing! I know the weather will be a bit cold but I went and bought some cute scarves from Nordstrom’s over the weekend! Now I just need to dig out my winter coats to see if I have anything warm enough! I will keep you updated on our plans. We need to make a decision soon so we can book it.

*I know some of you mentioned you have been to these spots…if so let me know if you have any hotel or show recommendations.

If you could go anywhere where would you go?

That is the question! I know that I have been set on NYC for our Anniversary trip in November but we were talking and we can go anywhere so why not plan a trip overseas. Everyone always tells us to travel BC (before children) so we are taking their advise!

The only issue is there are so many cool places around the world we can’t decide. We have talked about London, Prague, New Zealand, Costa Rica, Spain, Sweden, Scotland, and Italy…HELP! Have any of you been to any of these places? What did you love/hate about them? Keep in mind this trip will be the end of November - I am totally ok with the cold weather destinations so that won’t bother me. Since we have been married we have traveled to Hawaii, Cabo, Montana, Vegas, Rocky Point, and Chicago. I am ready for my next adventure!

Ciao!

He still believes...

I guess we are going to keep trying like normal people until we start treatments after the first of the year. While we were doing our "thing" last night and all the sudden hubby shoves a pillow under my tush. Wtf?? I guess he thinks we should try everything possible on the off chance of a miracle. So, I played along and laid there for 10 min afterwards. I couldn’t lay there any longer than that because I started thinking that if 10 IUI’s, IVF and FET didn’t work, do I really need to lay here for another 10 minutes. It’s sweet that he still believes!

On a side note…The mail boy in our office just told me that I am beautiful! He started to blush! It was a bit hard to understand with his thick Mexican accent but still really sweet!

Did you miss me?

I am back after five wonderful days off with my hubby. We didn’t do much of anything and it felt great. We went bowling, to the movies (saw the Expendables – don’t waste your money on it), hung at the pool, and got stuff done around the house.

Just trying to make my way through the hundreds of emails…wish me luck. I am ready for the weekend - Time to start planning it!

On a side note…I got a positive OPK this morning. I am hoping all the “fun” we had this weekend was not too soon. I guess I know what I am doing tonight!

Today is my Thursday!

I just need to make it through tomorrow – than I am off from work for the rest of the week to relax and spend some QT with my hubby. I am really looking forward to five days of doing nothing! It turns out that I should be ovulating this weekend so maybe that might be a little bonus. Even though I know we can’t get pregnant the old school way it will still be fun trying!

We have officially decided to wait until the first of the year to start our second IVF. I will probably call the RE in November to get on their radar. Hopefully, start BCP’s December then IVF the first part of January. I couldn’t justify paying out of pocket for it when I can try to be patient and have our insurance cover most of it. So…now I have five months to wait…this kind of sucks…I guess I will have to blog about other stuff for a while to keep me busy. Since we are waiting for the first of the year that also means that our trip to NYC is a go for November! We will start planning it this week.* I can’t wait. This trip will help keep me excited and occupied while waiting. I think I have some shopping to do! I don’t have anything to wear! (No really…I live in AZ…it doesn’t get colder than like 60 degrees during the days in the winter)

*Hubby got a nice bonus check from work this week – I guess working all those weekends paid off. Now we have enough saved to do the trip up right!

Update!

Just wanted to say that my happy hour with the girls was a blast and I am so glad that I went. I even went over to A’s house today to hold her sweet little baby. Its weird how I am totally fine with babies…it’s the bellies that I have a problem with. I will post photos of our night out when I have a chance! Happy Friday!

It gets better…

I am meeting my girls from High School for happy hour tonight. Figured it was pretty safe for me since A just had her baby a week ago. I wouldn’t have to deal with all the baby talk or even see her one week post delivery. Well – I was surly wrong. Guess who will be at the happy hour…yep – A. Guess she needs a break from the kiddos and wants to see all us girls. Glad I found out ahead of time just too mentally prepare. I know it will be fine, A has been very understanding of me and my situation and hardly even talks about her kids/pregnancy to me. She even sent me a separate email back in January telling me that she was pregnant and even apologized for it. I really hate that I am pitied and people feel they need to tip toe around and apologize for their happiness. IF is ruining me….

So, wish me luck at happy hour tonight! There will be six of us and all but two (the other is also struggling with IF) have kids. It’s a bit funny though…they all think that I have this fabulously wonderful, fun life with an amazing husband. Don’t get me wrong – I have a great life and an amazing husband but it’s put in this weird pedestal in their eyes. I guess everyone wants what they can’t have…I am sure none of them would give up their kids for a life like mine but I can tell they are a little envious.

Quick Update

For those of you who have followed me for the past month I thought I would give a quick update on my friend who had her baby. If you recall I was upset that she was considering using my favorite girls name. Well, she had her baby last week and didn’t use it! I was so happy to hear this! I know in the grand scheme of things it doesn’t matter (who knows if I will ever get pregnant or have a girl) but I hated the fact that one of my friends was so lucky and might use my name.

On a side note…I hate the name she went with…it makes me feel even better about the situation. I know that I need to grow up but this is my place to be caddy about this stuff! I can only gossip with my hubby for so long before he is done.

Monday, Monday, Monday

I hope everyone had a great weekend! We had a full weekend of family birthdays to celebrate. It was fun seeing everyone. I am back at work already planning this weekend – we are going to have some friends over to watch the UFC fight and play poker! I have a feeling this week is going to drag on and on. My DH took next week off from work for some R&R! I have to work Monday and Tuesday next week but took the rest of the week off with him. We don’t have anything planned so I am hoping to sleep in, watch movies, and plan our NYC trip!

Maybe all the relaxing will be just what I need to get knocked up – haha – thought I would try to be funny. Although my Dr told us to keep trying on our own while we are waiting to start IVF. I found it weird that he actually said that. He knows firsthand all our issues and is still giving false hope out. I guess it can’t hurt to have fun trying!

The results are in…

I am officially a girl and my hubby is officially a boy! YIPPY!

We just finished up with our test results appointment with our RE. Everything is normal. Well, I guess as normal as sitting in your RE’s office after years of treatment without a baby can be.

I think we have a plan – Hubby and I have to chat about it a little more. There are things to consider like should we wait until the new year when my insurance coverage resets and figuring out when we want to go to NYC! I would like us to be on all the prescribed supplements/vitamins for at least three months before doing IVF again (this also means good bye to my beloved diet coke). The Dr agreed with me on that. So that takes us up to starting BCP in October and IVF in November at the earliest.

We currently have a $4500 credit at the RE’s because my insurance company decided to give us some IF coverage for the last cycle. The coverage has now been maxed out. So, if we proceed with IVF this year then we would owe another $6000 plus meds. If we wait until January we would probably only need to pay for meds. I know this sounds like a no brainer but I am having trouble agreeing to wait. I have waited long enough and those last two months might kill me. If we wait until January then we can take our NYC trip in November like planned and we won’t have to worry about IVF meds or anything.

The Dr also said he would be switching my protocol to Lupron - last time I was on Follistim. He thinks the Lupron will help with the number of eggs. Any comments on the two protocols? Anything I should be aware of? They will also shorten my time on BCP’s from three weeks to two weeks. He believes this will help my follicles kick start in the beginning.

That’s it for now…I guess I need to figure out my plan. Is it worth being practical – probably. I guess I shouldn’t try to cram a trip and IVF all in this year and have to pay extra for it.

Happy Tuesday!

I have to start with a little apology to all my readers. I was in a bad place yesterday with it being Monday and I’m totally PMSing. I am really happy for my co-workers daughter. It just irks me a bit when I hear of complaints from very fertile pregnant girls. I GET that the first trimester is hard (since I have almost made it though one). I do feel a little bad that she can’t even keep a sip of water down but oh what I would give to be in her shoes - Even though her shoes have a little puke on them!

I am getting excited and nervous about my appointment tomorrow! I am praying there is nothing “wrong” with either of us but at the same time it would be nice to have some answers. I hope today is busy at work so I don’t think about it all day. I already have enough questions for the doctor swimming in my head. HAPPY TUESDAY! I hope today is better than everyone’s Monday!

Typical Monday

Today was a typical Monday. Spent the first part of work trying to read and catch up on everyone’s blogs – sorry I have not had time to comment. I don’t get on the internet over the weekends so I had lots of reading to do today. Our home computer connection is slow and I don’t have much patience for it.

Today I found out that a co-workers daughter is pregnant. He has been dreading telling me because he didn’t want to hurt my feelings. He is the only person at my work who knows of my IF struggles. I felt kind of bad that he wanted to be excited to share the news of being a grandpa again but was scared to tell me. But then he was complaining that his daughter has had such bad morning sickness and has to be on IV anti-nausea meds. I didn’t have anything to say because I don’t feel sorry for her one bit. This is her second child and they have no problems conceiving so part of me was happy she was so sick – isn’t that sad. I know I am probably going to HEdoublehockeysticks but IF does this to a person. Once this information sinks in a bit I will be fine with it. I also found out that my favorite nurse at my RE’s is out on maternity leave. I had no idea she was even pregnant. I am happy for her but glad that I never saw her with a pregnant belly.

We have our WTF doctors appointment on Wednesday. I will let you know how that goes and what our plan will be. I am excited to go in and figure everything out!

Empire State of Mind

So - my DH has been working his cute tush off at work. They are finishing up a big project this week (insert happy dance). He is pretty burnt out from all the overtime he has been working. He told me that he was planning on taking the first week of August off to relax and recuperate. I will probably take a couple days off with him which will be wonderful. The best part of the conversation was when he said that he will use his other two weeks of vacation in November. This means that I might be getting my NYC trip after all. He has been down playing it saying that we have other things to be spending our money on (blah blah blah) but obviously it’s on his mind! Keep your fingers crossed that I will get my 5 year wedding anniversary trip in November! I have not been to NY since I was a kid…I barely remember the City. Now I just need to figure out when we will do our next IVF - Should I try to fit it in before the trip or after? I don’t really want to travel with shots…I know it can be done but what a pain.


In New York,
Concrete jungle where dreams are made of,
There’s nothing you can’t do,
Now you’re in New York,
these streets will make you feel brand new,
the lights will inspire you,
lets here it for New York, New York, New York

Can you tell that I am getting excited for a trip that is not even planned yet?!? (btw…I love this song and it is always stuck in my head)

Ta-da!

What do you think of my new look? I absolutely love it!!! Thanks to Mary at Bright Sunshine Designs for the beautiful layout and making my vision a reality!

A Fresh Look

I have been inspired by Hannah at Life Happens to get a blog makeover! I am so excited. Keep an eye out for my new look coming soon!

Wordless Wednesday - A Photo from our Hawaii Trip Last Year

I win! I win!

Holy Crap…My Very First Award…Versatile Blogger Award: You Like Me! You REALLY Like Me!



The fabulous and brilliant Jay of “The Two Week Wait” (http://the2weekwait.blogspot.com/2010/07/versatile-blogger-award-you-like-me-you.html)has honored me and my blog with the Versatile Blogger Award!

You like me… you really like me!

As I understand it, this is how the award works in three steps…

ONE: Thank the person who gave you the award:

Thank you very, very much Jay I’m incredibly honored and a little shocked. Thanks for sharing your story with us!

TWO: Tell 7 things about yourself that readers may not know.

SEVEN THINGS ABOUT ME MY READERS MAY NOT KNOW:

1. My work pays me way too much for what I do…I got very lucky with my job. Great benefits and everything – they even cover some of my IF treatments.

2. I am shocked to win any kind of writing award. I am a Math person not English so thank you for sticking with me while I vent, even if it reads like a third grader wrote it. I love bogging and so happy that I started.

3. I used to dislike dogs – I thought they were smelly and dirty. Then we got our puppies and now I couldn’t imagine life without them. I even let them sleep in bed with us!

4. I am a closet smoker! Yes – I know I need to totally quit. I don’t smoke during procedure months. But since we are on a break I have indulged a bit…there is nothing like a cold beer and a cigarette. I will stop…I promise.

5. I worry that I will not be a good mom. I have had lots of practice with babies but some do annoy me a bit and that worries me

6. I have a very hard time making friends – especially with girls. They all tell me that their first impression with me was that I was a total B!tch. I think it’s because I am shy and they take that to mean I am giving them the cold shoulder.

7. I watch way too much TV…I am totally addicted to crappy shows like Real World Road Rules Challenges and Jersey Shore. JS was such a train wreck I just couldn’t help myself. I am also watching Big Brother and So You Think You Can Dance. My hubby and I always joke that we are now too old to be on any of these reality shows.

THREE: Pay it forward by nominating bloggers you’ve recently discovered:

I would like to bestow the Versatile Blogger Award upon the following:

1) Life Happens When You’re Making Other Plans (http://ngowhitcombfamily.blogspot.com/)

2) Slice of Pie (http://sliceofpietoday.blogspot.com/)

3) Where’s My Stork (http://wheresmystork.blogspot.com/)

4) Life As A Navy Wife & Everything Else (http://hcbishop.blogspot.com/2010/07/all-that-glitters.html)

5) and then there were three (http://jakemerfamily.blogspot.com/)


Thank you for reading and sticking with me!

Really...

I have a group of girl friends, some of which I have known since elementary school…we were all very close in high school and still see some of them every six months or so. They have all gotten married and are now on their second or third kid so we have drifted apart. My life has turned out very different than theirs. One of them emailed me last January to tell me that she was pregnant with their third baby…a total surprise to them (she thought her hubby was too old to have any more kids…he is 44ish). She knew of my struggles and wanted to tell me before I saw it on FB. It was very considerate of her and I really appreciated her thinking of my feelings. She didn’t know that the week she announced her pregnancy to me was the same week of my second miscarriage. I have stayed away from her since then which makes me feel like a horrible friend. I decided to email her yesterday since I knew her due date was coming up. She has two other kids…Luke and Lilly. I asked her if she was going with the L theme for the baby’s name and she said no…she is deciding between two other names. One of them is MY pick for a girl…I have wanted to use the name for the past year if not longer. It’s so not fair that she gets a surprise baby and uses my name. I almost started crying at work today when I read her message. I guess today is a pity party day for me. I know I can’t claim names especially since I am IF but give me a fucking break.

Happy Weekend!

I usually only post when I am in a sad place and need to vent or get it all out there, so today I am in a great mood and excited for the long weekend so I thought I would post a happy post. I just wanted to wish everyone a happy holiday whether it’s Canada Day or Fourth of July Holiday for you this week! Have a safe and wonderful weekend!

On a side note AF decided to show up today. I am happy it came today so it will not be heavy over the weekend. She was three days late this month and since I am infertile I knew I was not pregnant but it’s crazy how in the back of my mind I had a little hope for that miracle baby. You know the one…I am sure you hear the same stories I do on how your friends – mothers – sisters - cousin tried ART for years and when they finally stopped and forgot about trying to have a baby they got pregnant. I always roll my eyes at these tall tales and think it’s funny that some people actually believe that stopping trying will change my husband’s sperm. But at the same time I had a little bit of hope that would be my story this month. Maybe next month!

Still Waiting...

We have another four weeks to wait until we meet up with our doctor again. I am curious to find out the results of all our blood work. I think my dh is convinced we have a chromosomal issue. I have no idea what to expect during the next visit. I really hope it’s nothing and something at the same time. I don’t want to find out we have an issue that can’t be fixed but at the same time it would be nice to know why all this is not working. I guess I just need to relax (ha) and wait out the next four weeks…there is nothing we can do right now to change the outcome. We will just keep taking all our supplements hoping they are doing something to help!

We hung out with some friends Saturday night and one of the couples there was friends of a friend. It was their first night out after having a baby two months ago. I made it a point to stay away from her…I didn’t want to hear any of the stories. In fact I don’t even know if they had a boy or a girl. I consider the night a success. We went to a new night club at the casino. We are not night club people but it was fun to people watch. We ended up staying out a little too late and now I am tired at work today. It always takes me a couple days to recover – I need my sleep.

The magic of blogging

I think I get it…blogging that is. I have been blogging for two months now. Before that I was a lurker for about a year. I have never been one to write anything down especially my feelings. I am not a very emotional girl or at least before IF I was not very emotional. I have cried more tears the last three years than I ever imagined possible. Yesterday, I was stressed and emotional at work then I posted about it and all the stress and emotion went away. It was like I put it out there and was able to move past it. I am amazed and now I GET IT! Thank you for the supportive comments. Being an infertile is a special yet sucky club and though I didn’t want to join I am proud to be here with all of you amazing women. This club has led me to find some strong and beautiful women that I would have never met.

On a side note, I realized that my dh is really stressed at work right now and I am totally PMSing. We will chat more about IVF after his work calms down a bit and when I am not overly emotional. I believe we both want the same things in life so I am not going to stress about it now. We still need to see what our test results say before we really plan anything.

I'm in a sad mood...

I think I can tell that Aunt Flow is coming soon because I am very emotional today. Last night we were lying in bed and I mentioned something about IVF#2 possibly starting in three months and my dh didn’t respond how I thought he was going to. He asked if we are for sure doing another and asked me if I would just rather save that money for other things. I said “I thought we were” and his response was “do I get a say in this?” I was crushed and didn’t respond. I guess I thought we were on the same page. It’s all that I have been thinking about today. I’m upset because I figured we would have our second wtf appointment in July to review our test results and give IVF one more try after three months of dh being on all the supplements that may help sperm quality. I just don’t feel I can give up trying to get pregnant yet. I am starting to wonder if going to counseling would benefit us. We are not a couple that fights but it seems like our communication has gone downhill the past couple months. I am the type of person that needs a plan to think about and work towards. I guess if IVF is not our plan I need to know so I can focus planning some other things…like a fabulous vacation and getting the spots on my face lasered off!

Sad Day

Today is the third anniversary of my mother in laws passing. It’s a sad day for the family. We always meet for dinner to remember her. We had started TTC a couple months before we found out she was sick. During the six months she was battling cancer we were desperately trying to conceive so we could tell her that she was going to be a grandma – we failed. Three years later I still feel like such a failure. A baby would bring such joy to my hubby’s family. They need something happy to happen soon and I hope I am the one to bring a bit of joy in their lives. You should have seen how happy my F-in-L was last summer when we told him I was pregnant. Granted, I miscarried at 10 weeks but for a few short weeks I gave them a great gift…a gift of a happy future and a bit of hope.

I know that a baby won’t “fix” anything and that is not my expectation. I just want to help bring some joy into everyone’s life! Especially ours!

WTF Appointment

We went to our WTF appointment on Thursday. The appointment went how I thought it would. Our doctor started reviewing our history of our IVF / FET results and is still shocked why it didn’t work. The embryos were pretty but that doesn’t mean they were healthy or chromosomally normal. The Doctor reviewed some causes and testing he would like us to do…Karyotype (which is the genetic chromosome testing), Thrombophillia disorders, and Autoimmune Disorders. He doesn’t think any of these will be positive but it doesn’t hurt to test. DH only has to test for the Karyotype. We will meet with the doctor again in a month to review all the test results. Barring no major discoveries we will probably try one more IVF in the fall. He gave DH a list of vitamins to take to improve sperm quality (Vitamins E & C, Acetyl Carnitine, and L-Carnitine). I need to head to Hi Health at lunch today! He also gave us an article on Management of Recurrent Early Pregnancy Loss. It’s pretty interesting and goes through all the different causes and clinical considerations/recommendations. Let me know if you would like a copy.

I went to the lab on Friday for my blood draw. Some of these tests are special and need to be frozen and shipped so they couldn’t do it at the doctor’s office. They drew 10 viles of blood from me…I am still shocked they needed so many. I guess it’s good they are being thorough.

Now for the semi good news from the appointment. The first half of our meeting the Dr kept commenting on how great our insurance coverage was. I was a bit confused and wondering why coverage for diagnostic testing was such a great thing. He then pointed out that my chart said I have IVF coverage – what the F#CK? We chatted with their finance guy and he said that when they initially called about my coverage for IVF #1 they were told I was not covered. That is the same thing my insurance company told me when I called. Starting IVF#1 we wrote them a check for $10k. It turns out that they accidently submitted something during IVF#1 and it was covered. So they started to submit everything. I have $2000 a year covered for IVF. I know that doesn’t sound like much but it helps. I now have a $5000 credit at my RE’s. The first $5000 covered IVF#1 and our FET. My hubby thinks it’s too good to be true and we will get a bill from our insurance company in the mail. I think once they say it’s approved they can’t change their mind. We will see how it plays out!

So Blessed!

I am so blessed to have found this blogging community. In the few short months I have been blogging I feel that I have found some true friends. I didn’t realize how much I needed this community to help me with my infertility journey. Thank you for all your support and wonderful comments. A very special thanks to Hannah at Life Happens When You are Making Other Plans…she sent me a card supporting me and it couldn’t have come at a better time. It means so much!

Buttons!

Check out my new Buttons! Just learning how to add them! I just joined the Tuesday Tag Along - sounded fun!

Questions!

I hope everyone had a great weekend! We sure did and I am still feeling the effects from Saturday night today. I am not 21 anymore and I don’t bounce back. We attended my nephew’s high school graduation party. I can’t believe he is heading to collage in the fall - that makes me feel really old. We had a couple beers at the party then headed home…which would have been fine but on our way home our friends called. Their AC went out and when that happens in Arizona you can’t stay at your house until it’s fixed. So, they headed over with their two puppies and we played games and had a few more beers. It was a fun night but it made for a lazy Sunday.

My WTF appointment with my doctor is on Thursday. I have been thinking of what questions I have for him. Here is what I have so far…any suggestions on what I have missed?
1)What additional testing will be done? Chromosomal? Implantation? Estrogen levels?
2)What is his recommendation for us? Try IVF again in three months or what?
3)What can we do to improve sperm/egg quality? Vitamins or acupuncture for both of us?
4)If we move on to IVF#2 what adjustments would be made to my protocol?
5)Can we still enroll in the money back IVF guarantee program? We didn’t do it the first time because we were sure that IVF#1 would work for us. We were wrong!

How Ironic

Infertility is a gift that keeps on giving. I have always had a touch of Melasma (aka the mask of pregnancy) – something I inherited from my mother. Its dark spots on your face – cheeks, forehead, nose and upper lip. I have always referred to these lovingly as my spots. Well, they have gotten darker and bigger this past year from all the hormones. I would wear these spots with pride if they were from pregnancy… but I am on a mission to get rid of them. My self-esteem could really use a boost about now so I started to check into this. There are two treatments…the first is a cream that my dermatologist told me three years ago I shouldn’t use while TTC the second is a fraxel laser procedure and it takes 3-5 sessions. Doesn’t seem like a big deal until I tell you the cost…$700 a treatment. My spots are bad so I am sure I would need all five treatments. We are planning on spending our savings on the next IVF so I guess I will have to live with these spots right now. Someday, I will save enough to get rid of them. Oh the joys of being IF…I wonder if people wonder why I have the mask of pregnancy with no baby?

Time to Celebrate!

Throwing a little birthday party for my puppy tonight…I know “how pathetic”. It’s not really a party. Our friends adopted Blue’s sister so they are coming over so Blue and Taylor can play and us adults will have dessert! Here is a photo of my precious puppies! Blue is the black and white one and Chase is the Aussie.

I really hated being PUPO (pregnant until proven otherwise)

I know that we should try to enjoy our PUPO time during the craziness of treatments but it is my least favorite part. It makes me feel like a total fraud. I may be alone in this feeling but I hate walking around pretending or hoping I am pregnant and making my husband wait on me (which he does really well). All I can think about is how much it sucks that I am a total fake pretending that I am pregnant when odds say that I am not. I don’t want to pretend…I only want to act pregnant when I am pregnant. I want to eat feta cheese and lunch meats until it’s proven that I can’t. Sorry for the rant today…I just have really bad cramps and I feel like I went through IVF and FET just to have a really heavy period. I will be better tomorrow.

I set up my WTF appointment for next Thursday. At least I have something to look forward to! Any advice on what questions I should be asking at this stage in our IF?

BFN

I went in for my beta on Friday and as you can guess it was a BFN. The doctor called me at 5:30pm with the results. He said he was dreading the phone call and is amazed it didn’t work for us. We will be setting up a WTF appointment with him in the next couple weeks to figure things out. He wants to do some diagnostic testing before proceeding with IVF#2. This concerns me a bit…why weren’t these tests done before we shelled out the money for IVF#1? Don’t get me wrong – I “heart” my doctor! He is the most compassionate doctor and I wouldn’t trade him in for the world! I think if I would have started crying on the phone on Friday he would have cried with me. He was getting kind of choked up with the bad news.

DH and I decided that we will meet with him and if he thinks we should give IVF another shot we will after three months. We are going to take these three months to get healthy. We are healthy people who are not overweight and eat ok and work out occasionally but we are going to get serious about it! I am heading to the grocery store after work to load up on fruits and veggies and healthy dinners! We are also thinking of starting the P90X videos. DH bought them a while ago and we have done most of the workouts but we are going to follow the 90 day plan to see if we get some good results! If I am not going to be pregnant this summer I want to at least look hot in a bikini!

I hope everyone had a great Memorial Day weekend. We had some quality time alone and some fun time spent with friends! We got to hang out at a friend’s pool and soak up the great AZ sun!

8dp5dt

I never thought there was a color whiter than white until I took my HPT tests last night and this morning. There was no hit of color…it was stark white. It was screaming NEGAITIVE, Nada, You Suck, Zero, Looser, Nil, Zilch, Zip, and Denied…

This Fucking Sucks…Beta is scheduled for Friday. Hopefully, the doctor will call with the negative results so I can ask him WHY!

7dp5dt

I still have not tested…I think it’s because I am scared to death of the results. I really need this to be positive but I have a feeling it’s not. I am so in my head today and on the verge of tears because of what the test might say. This really sucks. I hate not knowing but at the same time I don’t want to know. This may break my heart.

I would like to have a symptom or two like sore boobs but I got nothing. For the life of me I can’t remember if my boobs were sore before my other two positive tests. Why didn’t I write this stuff down – wait I probably didn’t because I never thought I would miscarry and have to start all over – again and again.

Sorry for my pity party – I will hopefully be better tomorrow.

6dp5dt

This TWW is going ok so far. I really want to start testing but I know it’s too early – my beta is scheduled for Friday. I think I will buy some test after work and try to hold out until Thursday or Friday. I just want to be prepared for bad news. I have let my hopes get up for this transfer and I need to mentally prepare myself so I don’t crash and burn. I am not sure if this is it for us on the TTC journey. Months ago we said we would give IVF one shot then consider closing this chapter in our lives and figure out where to go from here. Well, our one shot at IVF and FET is about finished. We have not talked about what’s next. I am not ready to make that decision. I guess that will be a conversation for next weekend.

Frick and Frack Are Home!

Yesterday went great! I had my favorite doctor for the transfer! He said both embryos looked perfect. They survived the thaw and are safe and sound in my uterus now! The valium I took before the transfer yesterday worked. I slept the entire drive home and kept dozing all afternoon. I guess that’s what it’s for. I am off today to relax – then back to work tomorrow! I will leave you with a photo of our embryos (Frick and Frack) and my uterus after the transfer. I was excited he gave us a picture. For my IVF transfer they didn’t…

It’s on like Donkey Kong!

I am heading in today for my first (and hopefully only) FET at 1pm. I have two good quality frosties…I think they rated them as AAB? Not really sure – I guess I should learn to ask more questions. They thaw the frosites in the morning. I really hope they are both strong and survive the thaw. I think that is my biggest worry right now. I really want to transfer both!

I am not worried about the procedure today; in fact I think it will be pretty simple. Now if only I could just get the embies to snuggle in for the long haul. I will have my first beta test on the 28th but I am sure I will POAS before then – I am not a very patient person. I guess I will either have a super happy Memorial Day weekend or I will be a total bummer who gets to drink a beer at the bbq.

I have the rest of the day off on bed rest after my appointment. My DH promised to take good care of me! He was not able to go with me for my last IVF transfer (my wonderful sister went) so he still owes me big time for that. I am hoping it’s a trip somewhere so he needs to get off his cute tush and start planning something to make it up to me.

I also took Wednesday off from work. I know I don’t need the extra day of bed rest but what the hell. I have acupuncture Tuesday before the transfer then I will head in first thing Wednesday morning. I am going to spend the rest of the day vegging and watching chick flicks! One of my girlfriends also has the day off so she is heading over to veg with me. It will be nice to have some company. She is a nurse so she will take good care of me!

Is it the extra estrogen?

OK – so I am assuming it’s all the extra estrogen in my system but my sex drive has gone through the roof the past week. It’s to the point that I am having trouble concentrating at work because I want to get home to my hubby! Has this happened to anyone else or am I going crazy. I don’t think my hubby is complaining though. I am really hoping that he is not to tired tonight 

Is it free?

I had my baseline US and blood work done today. Everything looks good so I am still on for the FET next Tuesday. My uterine lining was a 9b. They didn’t tell me my estrogen levels when the nurse called so I am assuming they are normal. I will add progesterone to my whoha staring Thursday. Friday I will start taking the Medrol! The meds for the FET were only $80! I am not used to such a good deal.

When I went to check out at the doctors today, I turned in our signed consent forms for the FET and I told the receptionist that I still needed to pay the $1600 for the procedure. She just smiled and said “you have a credit – don’t ask”. So I didn’t ask and I left. So - now I am thinking that I either had enough money left from my IVF to cover the FET OR they are just so annoyed with me OR they feel sorry for me this ones on the house. Whatever the reason I am grateful!

Waterworks

I survived the weekend. I knew Sunday was going to be a little annoying but it turned out to be a sucky day. It started off really nice with some quality time with dh. Then off to the Casino to meet up with his aunts, uncles, and grandparents for breakfast. It was nice to see everyone. We lost our shorts gambling though. We have lots of nice and new Indian casinos in our area in Az! If you are ever there at 8am on a Sunday Grandma and Grandpa will buy you breakfast! They are too cute. At breakfast DH’s dad said we should stop by his house because their family dog Sadie was not doing well. She has had some health problems so I wasn’t surprised but it’s really hard for us. This is the cute white lab that my dh bought in collage. She lived with us for years (while dh and I were friends and roommates – another post for another day). Dh had to move in with his parents about 7 years ago and Sadie stayed with them and became the family puppy. I walked into the house after breakfast and the waterworks started. It was so sad to see her lying there still wagging her tail but in obvious decline. She was not eating or drinking. I am not usually a very emotional person so I am going to blame the weepy waterworks on all the estrogen I am on. My dh told me last night that his dad didn’t know what to do with me because it was so out of character. They took her to the vet to have her checked out. The vet said to try a round of antibiotics so they kept her over night to rehydrate. As of yet there is no improvement in her condition so dh and his dad are going there after work to make the decision. I feel so bad for them. My dh’s mom passed away three years ago so Mother’s Day is hard on them already and with Sadie being sick it was like a double whammy. Something good needs to happen for this family soon. I hope it’s my upcoming FET!

I did make it over to my mom’s to hang out with everyone for lunch. I need to call her to apologize because I was not in the most social mood. I kind of kept to myself. I was the first one there and when my mom asked where dh was I burst into tears and told her about Sadie. I am still in a bit of shock of why I couldn’t control my emotions. I think everything was just built up inside me and I might have used Sadie as an excuse to let it all out.

I have my US tomorrow morning so I am hoping all my hormone levels are where they should be and then my transfer will be next week! Glad I have something to look forward to.

Blog Etiquette

Since I am new to the blogging world I am wondering about blog etiquette. Should I comment on everyone’s blog I read or only when I really have something to say? How do I respond to comments on my page? How often should I blog? I don’t want to annoy people but I think I have a lot to say – even if only I think it’s interesting. I also find myself censoring my blogs. I am not a very sappy person and I try to add emotion in my writing so everyone doesn’t think I am a crazy emotionless b!tch. I think I censor myself because it’s mostly females in this community. I have always been the girl with mostly guy friends - It always takes me a while to warm up to girls. Not sure why. I also curse like a sailor when I am upset or annoyed. I guess that part is coming so get ready.

Going through the long journey of IF I have actually become more emotional. It must be from all the extra drugs or the mind f&ck that is the journey of IF. Wonder if my husband thinks I am crazy or now a normal girl?

On a side note, I have been on Estrace straight through from my IFV cycle. It’s making me gain weight like crazy. Is this normal? I have been retaining water and getting a nice spare tire. I am only on the one medication so I have to assume it’s the little estrace bastard that is doing this to me and not the yummy cookies I keep eating. Any tips on staying trim and healthy while going through all this? Please note that I am not complaining and I know this will all be worth it when I get a BFP but it’s really annoying me right now. Two guys at work this week commented that I am looking healthy. I didn’t really take it as a compliment.

Back on the Wagon

I am back on the wagon. No more booze or caffeine. I was not drinking much of either before but it’s now official. I did have couple beers Saturday night and a diet coke on Sunday – it was nice to relax and enjoy myself for the weekend. I am going to be a good girl and get prepared for my upcoming FET. I am even avoiding my allergy medication – which makes for a runny nose and red eyes for the day. People probably think I am boozing because of the red eyes. I wonder if you can OD on Visine?

My acupuncturist gave me an exercise to do to increase blood flow to my uterus to prepare for FET. She said to locate my femoral artery in the groin area. Put pressure on one side with two fingers for the count of five. Release and do the other side for the count of five. Repeat ten times. So, I now lie in bed every night and do this exercise. My husband always gives me a funny look and wonders what I am doing without him!

On another note…I really have mixed feelings about Mother’s Day this weekend. I love celebrating my mom and spending time with her. My DH’s mom passed away three years ago so it’s always a hard day for him. We do spend time with his Grandma to celebrate. Last year I was pregnant for Mother’s Day so it was a happy day for us both. This year I am going to try to focus on my mom and DH’s grandma and not dwell on the fact that I am not a mom. I think it’s much easier said than done. I wish a happy weekend for all of you.

I Have a Plan

I just got my protocol for the FET from my nurse. Nothing too crazy…just some estrogen and progesterone along with Medrol and Valium! This transfer should be a breeze. I have more faith in the FET cycle than I probably should. I guess I feel that it’s less stressful and there is less going on with your body so maybe it will work! I know getting my hopes up is a dangerous thing but I am going to do it! I am not going to look at the bumpy road we took to get here just focus on what’s ahead. No use in worrying about the past. I am going to try to be stress free this month! Ya right…but a girl can dream. Now I just need to wait until the 11th for my monitoring appointment. They will do blood work and check my uterine lining and my ovaries.

I went to my acupuncture appointment today and it was relaxing as usual. My DR specializes in acupuncture for infertility. She works closely with my RE’s office. For an extra fee of $250 she will go with you to your transfer and do acupuncture for the ½ hour prior to your procedure and for the hour you are required to lay there after. I didn’t do it for my IVF last month. I figured I could just go the day before and after – that there was no need to spend the extra money. So, when I was scheduling my appointments for the month with her today she offered to open her office the day of my transfer (she is typically closed on Tuesdays) so I can go in and not have to pay the extra fee to have her head down to the RE’s office. What customer service!

On another note…I think a girl in my office may be pregnant. She is newly married and I have seen/heard her puking in the bathroom twice this week. You don’t need to be a detective to figure that one out. Just another daily reminder of what I can’t have.

I hope everyone has a great weekend! I plan on enjoying this beautiful Arizona weather. It will probably be the last nice weekend (in the 80’s) for a long time.

How to Respond...

One of my employees just told me that he may need some time off from work because his teenage daughter is pregnant and she will be getting an abortion. I don’t really know how to respond to that. I am sad for the baby and want to blurt out that there are other options but being his boss I can’t say that. I would be sent straight to HR. No one at work has any idea about my situation but if they did I would like to think they wouldn’t tell me stuff like this. Now I cringe everything I have to talk to him.

On a lighter note…I took the afternoon of the 18th off from work for my FET. I also took the following day off. I know that I don’t need to be on bed rest for that long but this may be our last shot so what the hell…

It will be nice to lounge and watch movies all day with my puppies. They will surely be happy!

I am still waiting on the email from my nurse with my protocol. I know I have plenty of time but I am a planner and would really like to know what will be going on this month.

Another Wait

So, my nurse just called. She will be emailing my protocol for the FET cycle by Thursday and scheduled my FET for May 18th. That seems really far away - my CD 1 was yesterday. I was thinking the transfer would be around May 6th or so. I guess they know best and maybe I will understand it better once I see the email from the nurse.

I am just so sick of waiting. I feel like that is all I ever do. I would love to plan a fantastic trip somewhere like NYC or Hawaii but I don’t want to spend any money until we decide what our treatment path will be. If this FET works then we can go on a trip but if it doesn’t then we will need the money. I guess I will keep waiting…

My hubby owes me one so maybe he will plan a weekend getaway soon!

Another start

Hells ya! – My BFF just arrived! I always find it amusing when Aunt Flo shows up and I am happy. She usually brings such sadness with her. I just left a message at the Dr so hopefully I will get my FET protocol soon.

I had a good therapeutic weekend. Spent some quality time with my husband Saturday morning! Since we are rolling right into FET from IVF we have not had much of a chance for intimacy this past month. I hope he enjoyed it because Aunt Flo is now here and who knows what this months protocol will be.

I also read Knocked Up, Knocked Down. It’s an amazing book by a fellow blogger. If you have ever had a miscarriage you should take the time to read it. I had a good cry and decided that I need to not let all this get to me. I think going through IF has depressed me and it is starting to affect my relationships with my family, friends and husband. I need to decide to let the past be and get back to my old self. Time to start the healing process!

A Bit of History

Holy cow – I can’t believe that I actually clicked the “create Blog” button. I have been a luker on your blogs for well over a year now. I guess I decided it was time to start jotting down our journey.

Here is a little bit of history…I married the love of my life in November 2005. After a wonderful first year of marriage we threw out the BCP and blissfully started TTC. Little did we know what a journey we were starting. Through all the ups and downs my love for my husband has grown. He is such a strong man and my best supporter! I think he will even share this blog with me! He is the funny one so his posts should be entertaining!

My DH and I have been TTC for three + years now. We are both 34. The first year was spent not really tracking anything – we were just seeing what happens and having fun doing it. Well, nothing happened! We have been tested and my DH has low morphology. I tested fine. We have been through 2 IUI’s and 8 FSP’s. A FSP is just like an IUI except they shoot the swimmers closer to the eggs by overflowing your tubes. The 7th time was a charm and it worked but I miscarried at 10 weeks in June 09 – we were devastated. My body took a couple months getting back to normal then we started again. We tried a couple more FSP’s and I got a BFP in December 09. At my six week US there was nothing there - another miscarriage. This one was a little easier to handle since it was at six weeks instead of ten. We had to wait for my body and hormones to level out then we started IVF #1 in April. I did the standard three weeks of BCP then on to the meds. I responded fairly well and ended up with 14 eggs retrieved, 11 mature, and four perfect day 5 embies. They transferred two AAA embies but I got a BFN. I am now waiting to get my period so I can start the FET cycle. They told me to stop the progesterone gel and lozenges but to keep taking the estrogen. But they said to stop taking the estrogen vaginal and start orally. That seems a bit weird to me but I have to assume the Dr knows what he is doing.

We have always joked that if these treatments don’t work then we will just be DINK’s…Dual Income, No Kids. It’s now a scary thought…what if these treatments don’t work. Then we might have to face that we might actually be DINKs. I am not sure how to comprehend that yet. I am going to focus on this month’s FET and not think of what might be if we get another BFN.

BTW – I am a huge fan of Acupuncture now – I have been seeing great results with the cycles when I added it! Hugs to everyone!